"Good done anywhere is good done everywhere." - Maya Angelou

I feel like I am living as if I'm supposed to be broke. I had a few hundred dollars in my account and in my hands a few days ago. It's almost gone. I have to think that I will have abundant money by keeping it.

Dear Gina,

It's that time of the year again. The end, that is. Let me tell you a little about yourself on this, the last day of 2008.

You are wearing braids and weigh 200 pounds. Your health is pretty good, and you've been working out at the YMCA--I hope you will remember the secondary reason why you are doing this. As you typed this you are wearing a blue fleece like pull over, a pair of jeans and a pair of KEEN shoes. (Finally spent some money on some quality shoes for a change.) A lot has happened this year personally, but first major things that happened this year:

May 10-graduated with a Bachelor's degree in English with a Creative Writing concentration from Millsaps College.

May 17-went to Merida, the Yucatan, Mexico for a month. Memorable moments? Jumping into a cenote, going off the grid, breaking the stupid shower head, crazy girl...don't even want to spend time on that one, the night of the hotel, speaking Spanish to natives, the abject poverty, the cows in the middle of the road, the pictures, the walks, the colors, the food, Jamaica juice (do you still drink that? Remember when you couldn't get enough of it?), the woman, the house--kinda messy but wonderful, and the poodle, the square area, the art on the Paseo Montejo, losing your debit card, getting lost with Lydia Gee, Chaltun, so much more that I'll have to add it on another time.

June 23-Dad was shot. The things that your aunt (his sister) did to disrespect you and leave you to become an outsider, being strong, the way that thousands of people came to the wake, how you wept for your dad or talked to him.

Okay, those and my Aunt Penny died while I was in Merida. Today, you have been "working for Dad" by keeping up the business. Even after you got your degree, wrote some scenes, succeeded in getting your degree. Kirk was the only one there. I cried because Dad didn't come, he knew what it meant for me to have him come, but he didn't. I hope I forget his last conversation to me, how he abruptly interrupted me and quickly disconnected. I hope he got my page to him the night he was shot. I keep thinking that if I would have called him, he might be here today.

You applied for grad school and thought about taking some teaching classes. You actually took a class in floral design, and you created some really nice work.

You aren't in any serious debt except for your school loans. No love in your life. A development...someone in your class wants to get with you and always has wanted to. He actually said to me, "We could have been married, Gina!" Wow. You are still with--using the term very loosely--that one guy. You want to see him and he's not that far away. I wonder how that will develop. Sheesh, I should give up. I should, but he's my best friend. He knows me.

This is the year you felt like you discovered two things that are integral for you to change your relationship with your father. One, he transferred his feelings about Mama to you. Two, you have some of your mama's worst emotional traits including fear, faithlessness in yourself, a knack for pushing people away if they get a chance to get into your life.

What I would like to say to you today that you will read in the future that will inspire you is not in my mind right now. I feel like I've inspired so many other people with the words God gave me and I can't look in the mirror for my hopes. You know what you want to do. You want to be happy and care about yourself. You want to get rid of that animal that's always been in your head, pulling you down constantly, keeping a tight grasp of fear around your heart and mind. All the things you want to do, you always want to stop yourself more. (Remember Christmas Day at Doretha's? Bet the next time you read this, you will not remember. I hope not.)

Gina, you have to set yourself free, like when you were in Mexico. Rub the scar on your knee. Stop getting suicidal and overemotional before your periods. Do you still do that? This was supposed to be your inspirational paragraph. Do what you are capable of doing and completing. Work on your Spanish, breathe your dream, be a starter, a go-getter, and a finisher. You are either going to make inroads to making Dad's business what he wanted it to be or you are going to go back to school for more education. That Master's degree in TESOL sounds really great.)

You are as beautiful as everyone says you are. Don't let the people around you stop your joy. Seek out that spot where you can plant a seed of your own joy. Then let it grow within you. Let the branches permeate your veins so you can be the source of your joy instead of trying to find it from the outside. You have all of the permission to feel everything you need to feel.

You've got mine.

There's other things to write. Perhaps I will write them here. Deep down inside, I believe in you, Gina. You have to be your number one fan. Nobody else.

Be good to yourself in 2009.

I love you abundantly, dearly, and as a whole,

me

P.S. You were in St. Louis at the Loft when Barack Obama became president. You were in Memphis at Elma's house when Uncle Baby Brother told you that Dad was dead. I still love you.

Labels: It Really Happened, The Negatives