To See Or Not To See
Monday, June 05, 2006
"Man is a creature who lives not upon bread alone, but principally by catchwords."
----
Robert Louis Stevenson
I’ve awakened after a day of virtual solitude many times. With not one person calling or visiting me, I would find no particular reason to pass through my threshold. This day, I’ve awakened with intentions to leave my house and accomplish specific goals.
There are people who live with other’s lives woven tightly into theirs. A kaleidoscope of connections can easily create a quilt of a well-rounded, well-connected person. I, on the other hand, have awakened on more than one occasion wondering how soon I would be discovered if I died in this house.
Sounds crazy? Fatalistic? Perhaps. After something happened to me that I’m still not at a place to speak yet, I, who once lived in Omaha, Nebraska, was often told that people did not know that I am a denizen of my town. I have been told such things: “I didn’t know you were still down here?” “I thought you went back to wherever you came from,” and statements along these lines. Yes, these words sound peculiar for lack of a better euphemism. It was not enough for these same people who have driven by my house to say, “well, I’ve been by, but I didn’t think that you were there.” or “I didn’t know you still lived there!” They would satisfy their own guilt by looking at me as if I am speaking another language when I retort, “Did you knock on the door?” “Did you try to call?” “If my car is there, I’m there.”
I will support their guilt by telling that I often do not open my front door, nor do I open my blinds. I’ve been trying to be more regular about this, but even with those signs of availability, I’ve gone weeks without someone knocking at my door.
Am I supposed to stepping out and go to every person’s house to sit down and ingratiate myself? Maybe, maybe not. I rarely do, though. I am open to having people come over to socialize or what they call nowadays “entertain”, but my visibility, or invisibility, curtails my party planning.
So, another naked truth is exposed. I’m going out now to run my errands. Maybe someone will acknowledge my presence. Time to roll the dice.
----
Robert Louis Stevenson
I’ve awakened after a day of virtual solitude many times. With not one person calling or visiting me, I would find no particular reason to pass through my threshold. This day, I’ve awakened with intentions to leave my house and accomplish specific goals.
There are people who live with other’s lives woven tightly into theirs. A kaleidoscope of connections can easily create a quilt of a well-rounded, well-connected person. I, on the other hand, have awakened on more than one occasion wondering how soon I would be discovered if I died in this house.
Sounds crazy? Fatalistic? Perhaps. After something happened to me that I’m still not at a place to speak yet, I, who once lived in Omaha, Nebraska, was often told that people did not know that I am a denizen of my town. I have been told such things: “I didn’t know you were still down here?” “I thought you went back to wherever you came from,” and statements along these lines. Yes, these words sound peculiar for lack of a better euphemism. It was not enough for these same people who have driven by my house to say, “well, I’ve been by, but I didn’t think that you were there.” or “I didn’t know you still lived there!” They would satisfy their own guilt by looking at me as if I am speaking another language when I retort, “Did you knock on the door?” “Did you try to call?” “If my car is there, I’m there.”
I will support their guilt by telling that I often do not open my front door, nor do I open my blinds. I’ve been trying to be more regular about this, but even with those signs of availability, I’ve gone weeks without someone knocking at my door.
Am I supposed to stepping out and go to every person’s house to sit down and ingratiate myself? Maybe, maybe not. I rarely do, though. I am open to having people come over to socialize or what they call nowadays “entertain”, but my visibility, or invisibility, curtails my party planning.
So, another naked truth is exposed. I’m going out now to run my errands. Maybe someone will acknowledge my presence. Time to roll the dice.
Labels: My Writing
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Comments for To See Or Not To See
Hello! Whew! That was kind of "deep". I for one, loves being indoors and can stay in for days reading, watching and all that but I am never alone. There was a time in my life that I was, that was in college. I barely open the door and windows. It was kind of lonely... Truth to tell, I feel better with people around but I need "private and alone" time every once in awhile.
- Posted at Tue Jun 06, 05:01:00 AM | By
trishadeb
Thanks for your input.
There is a difference, though, between getting away from people and getting away from being alone. I get a certain perception because of it. The irony is that I'm in a place where I am most well known by others. I think this would be a non-issue if I were not known. I have neighbors that would not come over that have known me for years.
I am sure it's my fault on some level--I'm an only child--so I feel like I need to examine something. In retrospect, it's like an abused woman blaming herself for being beaten.
We both have the same solution: to pull ourselves out of the situation.
Thanks for making me think about this further.
Dang. This coulda been another blog.
There is a difference, though, between getting away from people and getting away from being alone. I get a certain perception because of it. The irony is that I'm in a place where I am most well known by others. I think this would be a non-issue if I were not known. I have neighbors that would not come over that have known me for years.
I am sure it's my fault on some level--I'm an only child--so I feel like I need to examine something. In retrospect, it's like an abused woman blaming herself for being beaten.
We both have the same solution: to pull ourselves out of the situation.
Thanks for making me think about this further.
Dang. This coulda been another blog.
- Posted at Tue Jun 06, 07:51:00 AM | By Evolution of gina