"All writing is garbage."
----
French playwright Antonin Artaud

"I never said I had no idea about most of the things you said I had no idea about."
----
Elliot Abrams


Wow, I can't believe it's been a month already. I feel like I have shared a lot with you and it's just begun. Don't worry, we've (the people in my head and me)have got a lot more where that came from.

In the meantime, my life is still financially suspended. Got more job hunting to do. I talked to my dad, who wants me to come up to St. Louis to work with him, but he's talking about how he's struggling and how people are coming up to him begging for money left and right. He and I have a stressful relationship--at least to me it is. Always has been. I figured that I've been trying to stay in his good graces while I have been sacrificing myself in ways that I truly regret. In one way, I want to be there with him, but when I get there, he always makes me feel like I'm in his way. I always feel like a diminished part of myself when I'm around him. Much more than I feel now. At least down here, I am who I am. When I am up there, I am Joe's (not his real name) daughter, or baby, or some other stuff that really pulls me apart and shrinks me simultaneously. Would I be the better woman to go up there and endure his world? Am I supposed to feel stronger as I am demeaned and humiliated in his prescence? Am I?

Here's something that I was thinking about while I was writing. I'm disturbed about so many people being in financial crises on one level or another. If this is not the problem, then something is. I mean is anyone's life perfect? Is there anyone out there that can say they've nary a care? I'm feeling so antsy waiting for this fall. I'm hoping that when I go back to school, I can get back into remembering my purpose: learning to write, learning to strengthen myself academically. There is so much out there to experience if I can just make it another two months.

I haven't heard from the school that I'm applying for yet. I plan on calling them in a couple of days to make sure they have all of the necessary paperwork before I make a decision about going to St. Louis. No wonder I'm sleeping day and night. I guess I'm more anxious than I thought.

Hmmm... I feel like I should erase a lot of this, but at the same time, I need to get this off my chest.

I have to say one thing on a high note. I feel like I've established a relationship with a relative that I would have never expected otherwise. I shared some family pictures, and did something I haven't done in a long time: talked with someone that had no negative ulterior motives. If you are reading this, D., thanks. I love ya, cuz.

They ain't open!!! LOL

Labels: My Writing