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I Have a Confession

Tuesday, December 30, 2008
"I do not believe that the men who served in uniform in Vietnam have been given the credit they deserve. It was a difficult war against an unorthodox enemy." - William Westmoreland

This is not easy for me to write. It is my last post (perhaps) of this year. I've had so many wonderful things happen to me this year--graduating with my Bachelor's degree, traveling abroad, knowing how to start writing a a script for a play, being happy, losing weight (okay, not pounds, but I see how my body has changed). Other things. Things I can't remember because of the thoughts that come in and out of my head.

I often feel like disappearing, even dying sometimes. Since I've known that the option existed, I've wanted to commit suicide. It comes and goes, this urge to disappear. It now lurks because of my family. I've never been close to them. Not to anyone on my mother's side, not anyone on my father's side. Years have faded away without speaking to a large number of them. I'm closer to people online and people whose names are like seeing invisible ink on a piece of paper--I see the paper, but its contents are beyond my knowledge.

How long have I had this? I remember when I was fifteen. I wrote a suicide poem, let my mama see it. I never saw it again. That didn't stop my thoughts, though. I take that back. I remember reading "Lisa, Light and Dark" and identified with it.

I've had times in my life when these thoughts were not as clear and potently present. I've tried it. Commit suicide, that is. My mother told me that if I ever killed myself, she would kill herself so I should know that I would have two lives that I'm responsible for or something along those lines. I did what I was supposed to do. Not try to commit suicide again. She's gone now, so is my father. I'm free to do it.

Makes me wonder how it would feel to no longer feel this way. To no longer feel. I almost feel like that now. Days go by and I have not accomplished much lately. Writing this much is almost an amazing feat. I feel as if I'm on a flying trapeze at the moment. I'm not going to do it. I just feel like I have to say it. I have to put it on paper (such as it is). Everyone has an "I hate myself because" thing about themselves. I hate my fear. I hate my not being able to be myself. I hate not wanting to have anyone love me because they will leave me alone eventually.

Funny. I just thought of why I have this in my core. Must be pms'ing. I've got to see a doctor about this. Everything just sets me off. Just got a bill in the mail. Over $600, including one month of overdue school loans. $35k from one school alone, I think. Can hardly wait until the other loans come in from my other school.

I've got to snap out of this. Hell, I really need to put myself in a beautiful place so that when all hell breaks loose in my mind like it has now, I won't be as unsettled by it.

I'm still alive. Besides, there isn't enough medication around for me to do the do.

Think I could overdose on Metamucil?

Nah.

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posted by Evolution of gina at 12/30/2008 12:54:00 AM | Permalink |

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Comments for I Have a Confession
I stumbled upon this from a google search of President Harding... I don't know if you still write in this so called blog or attend to it but what I just read was something I needed to hear(read technically)... the words that you expressed before me captivated me and made me feel a lot better to some correlations we share. anyway, hopefully this reaches you... stay strong while you balance the waves that life strikes you with.

-due from canada.