I Have a Confession
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
"I do not believe that the men who served in uniform in Vietnam have been given the credit they deserve. It was a difficult war against an unorthodox enemy." - William Westmoreland
This is not easy for me to write. It is my last post (perhaps) of this year. I've had so many wonderful things happen to me this year--graduating with my Bachelor's degree, traveling abroad, knowing how to start writing a a script for a play, being happy, losing weight (okay, not pounds, but I see how my body has changed). Other things. Things I can't remember because of the thoughts that come in and out of my head.
I often feel like disappearing, even dying sometimes. Since I've known that the option existed, I've wanted to commit suicide. It comes and goes, this urge to disappear. It now lurks because of my family. I've never been close to them. Not to anyone on my mother's side, not anyone on my father's side. Years have faded away without speaking to a large number of them. I'm closer to people online and people whose names are like seeing invisible ink on a piece of paper--I see the paper, but its contents are beyond my knowledge.
How long have I had this? I remember when I was fifteen. I wrote a suicide poem, let my mama see it. I never saw it again. That didn't stop my thoughts, though. I take that back. I remember reading "Lisa, Light and Dark" and identified with it.
I've had times in my life when these thoughts were not as clear and potently present. I've tried it. Commit suicide, that is. My mother told me that if I ever killed myself, she would kill herself so I should know that I would have two lives that I'm responsible for or something along those lines. I did what I was supposed to do. Not try to commit suicide again. She's gone now, so is my father. I'm free to do it.
Makes me wonder how it would feel to no longer feel this way. To no longer feel. I almost feel like that now. Days go by and I have not accomplished much lately. Writing this much is almost an amazing feat. I feel as if I'm on a flying trapeze at the moment. I'm not going to do it. I just feel like I have to say it. I have to put it on paper (such as it is). Everyone has an "I hate myself because" thing about themselves. I hate my fear. I hate my not being able to be myself. I hate not wanting to have anyone love me because they will leave me alone eventually.
Funny. I just thought of why I have this in my core. Must be pms'ing. I've got to see a doctor about this. Everything just sets me off. Just got a bill in the mail. Over $600, including one month of overdue school loans. $35k from one school alone, I think. Can hardly wait until the other loans come in from my other school.
I've got to snap out of this. Hell, I really need to put myself in a beautiful place so that when all hell breaks loose in my mind like it has now, I won't be as unsettled by it.
I'm still alive. Besides, there isn't enough medication around for me to do the do.
Think I could overdose on Metamucil?
Nah.
This is not easy for me to write. It is my last post (perhaps) of this year. I've had so many wonderful things happen to me this year--graduating with my Bachelor's degree, traveling abroad, knowing how to start writing a a script for a play, being happy, losing weight (okay, not pounds, but I see how my body has changed). Other things. Things I can't remember because of the thoughts that come in and out of my head.
I often feel like disappearing, even dying sometimes. Since I've known that the option existed, I've wanted to commit suicide. It comes and goes, this urge to disappear. It now lurks because of my family. I've never been close to them. Not to anyone on my mother's side, not anyone on my father's side. Years have faded away without speaking to a large number of them. I'm closer to people online and people whose names are like seeing invisible ink on a piece of paper--I see the paper, but its contents are beyond my knowledge.
How long have I had this? I remember when I was fifteen. I wrote a suicide poem, let my mama see it. I never saw it again. That didn't stop my thoughts, though. I take that back. I remember reading "Lisa, Light and Dark" and identified with it.
I've had times in my life when these thoughts were not as clear and potently present. I've tried it. Commit suicide, that is. My mother told me that if I ever killed myself, she would kill herself so I should know that I would have two lives that I'm responsible for or something along those lines. I did what I was supposed to do. Not try to commit suicide again. She's gone now, so is my father. I'm free to do it.
Makes me wonder how it would feel to no longer feel this way. To no longer feel. I almost feel like that now. Days go by and I have not accomplished much lately. Writing this much is almost an amazing feat. I feel as if I'm on a flying trapeze at the moment. I'm not going to do it. I just feel like I have to say it. I have to put it on paper (such as it is). Everyone has an "I hate myself because" thing about themselves. I hate my fear. I hate my not being able to be myself. I hate not wanting to have anyone love me because they will leave me alone eventually.
Funny. I just thought of why I have this in my core. Must be pms'ing. I've got to see a doctor about this. Everything just sets me off. Just got a bill in the mail. Over $600, including one month of overdue school loans. $35k from one school alone, I think. Can hardly wait until the other loans come in from my other school.
I've got to snap out of this. Hell, I really need to put myself in a beautiful place so that when all hell breaks loose in my mind like it has now, I won't be as unsettled by it.
I'm still alive. Besides, there isn't enough medication around for me to do the do.
Think I could overdose on Metamucil?
Nah.
Labels: It Really Happened, The Negatives
What Is It???
Monday, September 15, 2008
"Happiness is a form of courage." - Holbrook Jackson
What is it that's been going on in my head lately? Well, besides missing you terribly, not much.
I keep thinking about how I've been traveling, day by day, rather aimlessly. Since I've been in St. Louis, I've been wandering a great deal. One thing I have noticed is that--hold up. I am in a library doing this. Would you believe that a gun-toting sherriff is leisurely strolling around with nary a care! Geez! What's he gonna do with that thing here! It's not like there is a bank vault in here or something! What is he going to arrest people in here for, overdue books?!!!! Sorry, that was just really startling. Where was I? Oh yeah. I've noticed that I've been pushing away people. I know why I do it. The reason why I do that is because of the reason two guys that "wanted to get to know me better" are no longer two guys that I'm in consistent dialogue with. Drives me crazy. I don't know what's wrong with me, but then sometimes I do. I'm just very screwed up (so not the words I want to use) in the head. I don't want people to get close to me just to prove to me that they don't want to get close to me. It's happened so many times in my life--people practically walking away from me once they have one or two conversations with me--that I don't want to go through the pain of trying. I guess that is why I am also very--extreeeeeeeemely--reluctant to apply for a job, engage in relationships--anything. It's painfully better for me to not even be around people simply to prove my hypothesis repeatedly. I wish I could go back to every person I know, drop off a survey that would ask, "Why did you not want to have anything else to do with me after barely knowing me?" and ask that they results be tabulated, graphed, and all that stuff so I can be analyzed and figure out what the heck (yup, you're right--don't want to use that word) is going on with me and my people skills. I don't think it is something I can change. I'm too old for it. I'm also too old for anyone to teach me how to change this. I want to love and be loved, but how can I do that if I can't even convince a man to want to do more with me than see me horizontal. Geez, (another deferring word) I don't want do see myself horizontal. Why do I attract that? What can I do to avoid that? What the Sam Hill (another one) am I doing wrong? Don't say, "it's not you, Gina, honest," because it is. I know it has to do with my limited knowledge. Yes, I'm intelligent on some levels, but I don't have faith in myself, can't believe in myself. Maybe I should start something else again. I don't want to say what, and by the time I actually read that sentence again, I may myself forget what I was referring to, but I know now, and sometimes now is all that matters.
Just had to put that out there. Now, back to having empty hopes in myself. I'll be better soon. I have to convince myself to believe, then eventually I will get to believing without thinking that the thoughts are empty. Later.
What is it that's been going on in my head lately? Well, besides missing you terribly, not much.
I keep thinking about how I've been traveling, day by day, rather aimlessly. Since I've been in St. Louis, I've been wandering a great deal. One thing I have noticed is that--hold up. I am in a library doing this. Would you believe that a gun-toting sherriff is leisurely strolling around with nary a care! Geez! What's he gonna do with that thing here! It's not like there is a bank vault in here or something! What is he going to arrest people in here for, overdue books?!!!! Sorry, that was just really startling. Where was I? Oh yeah. I've noticed that I've been pushing away people. I know why I do it. The reason why I do that is because of the reason two guys that "wanted to get to know me better" are no longer two guys that I'm in consistent dialogue with. Drives me crazy. I don't know what's wrong with me, but then sometimes I do. I'm just very screwed up (so not the words I want to use) in the head. I don't want people to get close to me just to prove to me that they don't want to get close to me. It's happened so many times in my life--people practically walking away from me once they have one or two conversations with me--that I don't want to go through the pain of trying. I guess that is why I am also very--extreeeeeeeemely--reluctant to apply for a job, engage in relationships--anything. It's painfully better for me to not even be around people simply to prove my hypothesis repeatedly. I wish I could go back to every person I know, drop off a survey that would ask, "Why did you not want to have anything else to do with me after barely knowing me?" and ask that they results be tabulated, graphed, and all that stuff so I can be analyzed and figure out what the heck (yup, you're right--don't want to use that word) is going on with me and my people skills. I don't think it is something I can change. I'm too old for it. I'm also too old for anyone to teach me how to change this. I want to love and be loved, but how can I do that if I can't even convince a man to want to do more with me than see me horizontal. Geez, (another deferring word) I don't want do see myself horizontal. Why do I attract that? What can I do to avoid that? What the Sam Hill (another one) am I doing wrong? Don't say, "it's not you, Gina, honest," because it is. I know it has to do with my limited knowledge. Yes, I'm intelligent on some levels, but I don't have faith in myself, can't believe in myself. Maybe I should start something else again. I don't want to say what, and by the time I actually read that sentence again, I may myself forget what I was referring to, but I know now, and sometimes now is all that matters.
Just had to put that out there. Now, back to having empty hopes in myself. I'll be better soon. I have to convince myself to believe, then eventually I will get to believing without thinking that the thoughts are empty. Later.
Labels: It Really Happened, The Negatives
Thursday, September 04, 2008
"Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense and the past perfect." - The United Church Observer
I am in St. Louis. I've been dealing with working for my father's business, trying to find a job of my own--not hard enough to care apparently--and living.
Today, I just wanted to stop by since I am at a computer. I am doing okay. I still grieve for my father--funny how that works, not funny "ha-ha" either--and my mother. How do people do it. I'm stunned about it myself. We do what we have to do though, don't we.
Let me tell you about this book I am reading. It's called The Secret. You have to get it if you want your life to be better in any way. It's worth trying!
Okay, I'm going to work on coming back here more often. I haven't written a word in such a long time, not a good thing.
Yes, I still love you. I hope you feel the same for me.
I am in St. Louis. I've been dealing with working for my father's business, trying to find a job of my own--not hard enough to care apparently--and living.
Today, I just wanted to stop by since I am at a computer. I am doing okay. I still grieve for my father--funny how that works, not funny "ha-ha" either--and my mother. How do people do it. I'm stunned about it myself. We do what we have to do though, don't we.
Let me tell you about this book I am reading. It's called The Secret. You have to get it if you want your life to be better in any way. It's worth trying!
Okay, I'm going to work on coming back here more often. I haven't written a word in such a long time, not a good thing.
Yes, I still love you. I hope you feel the same for me.
Labels: It Really Happened
Oh Dear...
Thursday, August 07, 2008
"Humor is a prelude to faith and Laughter is the beginning of prayer." - Reinhold Niebuhr
I've been thinking about you. More than you know, actually. I've been wanting someone to talk to over the last several weeks and couldn't talk to you. When I did have a way to talk to you, you were the last thing on my mind, and as you can see, I never got to the last thing on my mind while on the computer.
So this is what happened. Between May 16 and June 17, I was in the Yucatán, Mexico. I had a blast the first couple of weeks I was there, but as things do, drama crept up to me the last couple of weeks. I learned one thing while I was there: people are the same wherever we go because wherever we go, people are the same. We--okay, I--had all of me go to a foreign place and things just happened. I'll talk about that later.
Even now, the bad experiences seem to push and shove themselves into the forefront of my mind as I want to give you the good stuff. The bad things that happened to me are quite horrible. The last week in Mexico, one of the last two of my great aunts died. Six days after returning to the States, my dad, Lee Nixon, was fatally shot. You can google him (Lee Nixon St. Louis) to see what happened.
That day, I returned to St. Louis. I went home to Mississippi to gather a few things, but I haven't left since. The outpouring of love and support that I've received was nothing short of miraculous. (If you google my father, you will see this.) I've been doing what my father's been wanting of me--to be a salesperson for his company. I'm sure he wanted more, but that's a start.
As for me, I'm taking things one day at a time. Sometimes, when I'm feeling the grief of not seeing my father, I take things one minute at a time.
As for you, I've been slacking. You've been on my mind, and I still love you. I'll try to be better.
I've been thinking about you. More than you know, actually. I've been wanting someone to talk to over the last several weeks and couldn't talk to you. When I did have a way to talk to you, you were the last thing on my mind, and as you can see, I never got to the last thing on my mind while on the computer.
So this is what happened. Between May 16 and June 17, I was in the Yucatán, Mexico. I had a blast the first couple of weeks I was there, but as things do, drama crept up to me the last couple of weeks. I learned one thing while I was there: people are the same wherever we go because wherever we go, people are the same. We--okay, I--had all of me go to a foreign place and things just happened. I'll talk about that later.
Even now, the bad experiences seem to push and shove themselves into the forefront of my mind as I want to give you the good stuff. The bad things that happened to me are quite horrible. The last week in Mexico, one of the last two of my great aunts died. Six days after returning to the States, my dad, Lee Nixon, was fatally shot. You can google him (Lee Nixon St. Louis) to see what happened.
That day, I returned to St. Louis. I went home to Mississippi to gather a few things, but I haven't left since. The outpouring of love and support that I've received was nothing short of miraculous. (If you google my father, you will see this.) I've been doing what my father's been wanting of me--to be a salesperson for his company. I'm sure he wanted more, but that's a start.
As for me, I'm taking things one day at a time. Sometimes, when I'm feeling the grief of not seeing my father, I take things one minute at a time.
As for you, I've been slacking. You've been on my mind, and I still love you. I'll try to be better.
Labels: It Really Happened, The Negatives, Thoughts
Ten Things This Tuesday
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
"Things should be made as simple as possible - no simpler." - Albert Einstein
So, it's definitely my last Tuesday here...before I graduate!!!!!! I just checked my grades and I got a B+ and two A's! All I have to do is just coast. I'm trying to have a day where I'm not looking at the bad, just the good. That said, here are...
Ten things I can say I have done because of my education at Millsaps College!!!!
1. Read Middlemarch by George Eliot.
2. Learned more about playwrighting.
3. Had a leading role in a play...
4. As the only Black woman in a play set in 19th century Germany!
5. Got my poetry published in a textbook--well, my work was required reading for the next year's incoming students.
6. Was a 40-year-old transfer student living in a dorm.
7. Read Catullus.
8. Co-interviewed Ann Patchett.
9. Took classes by a published poet (two of them--Austin Wilson and Aleda Shirley), an actress/dancer/director, and some frighteningly smart people.
10. Met and chatted with Pulitzer winners Richard Ford and Natasha Trethewey.
BONUS: I'M GOING TO TRAVEL ABROAD!
So, it's definitely my last Tuesday here...before I graduate!!!!!! I just checked my grades and I got a B+ and two A's! All I have to do is just coast. I'm trying to have a day where I'm not looking at the bad, just the good. That said, here are...
Ten things I can say I have done because of my education at Millsaps College!!!!
1. Read Middlemarch by George Eliot.
2. Learned more about playwrighting.
3. Had a leading role in a play...
4. As the only Black woman in a play set in 19th century Germany!
5. Got my poetry published in a textbook--well, my work was required reading for the next year's incoming students.
6. Was a 40-year-old transfer student living in a dorm.
7. Read Catullus.
8. Co-interviewed Ann Patchett.
9. Took classes by a published poet (two of them--Austin Wilson and Aleda Shirley), an actress/dancer/director, and some frighteningly smart people.
10. Met and chatted with Pulitzer winners Richard Ford and Natasha Trethewey.
BONUS: I'M GOING TO TRAVEL ABROAD!
Can't Wait Until Tomorrow
Monday, April 28, 2008
"I didn't sleep well. I made several mistakes." - Steven Wright
So it's been weeks. I've done several things. I should wait until tomorrow to let you know what has happened to me. It ranks for a "Ten Things This Tuesday." By this time in two weeks, I should become a college graduate. I can hardly believe it myself. I still keep saying that I hope that I will be, but I haven't heard otherwise. Let's just say that surprisingly (to me, not to you because you've always believed in me), I've gotten a pretty cool gig in the works!
So it's been weeks. I've done several things. I should wait until tomorrow to let you know what has happened to me. It ranks for a "Ten Things This Tuesday." By this time in two weeks, I should become a college graduate. I can hardly believe it myself. I still keep saying that I hope that I will be, but I haven't heard otherwise. Let's just say that surprisingly (to me, not to you because you've always believed in me), I've gotten a pretty cool gig in the works!
Labels: It Really Happened
I Know, I Know....
Friday, April 11, 2008
"Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body." - Joseph Addison
Yes, it is in the middle of the night or the cusp of the cusp of the cusp of Friday morning at this writing. Yet I am sitting at my computer afresh with things that I have to tell you.
YES! YOU! I STILL LOVE YOU, YOU KNOW!
Here is a list of things that I have to tell you:
I passed my graduation exams.
I just got my passport.
For some reason, people have been telling me I look relieved.
I am relieved.
I will be graduating May 10.
I don't know if my father is going to attend.
I haven't been writing poetry because I've been writing dialogues.
I just bought some clothes today. A couple of cute dresses.
I always feel guilty when I buy cute clothes.
I rarely buy cute clothes.
I'm so nervous about my future.
At least I look relieved.
I still am relieved.
More to come when I have a chance to tell you guys stuff. I think I'm going back to sleep.
Yes, it is in the middle of the night or the cusp of the cusp of the cusp of Friday morning at this writing. Yet I am sitting at my computer afresh with things that I have to tell you.
YES! YOU! I STILL LOVE YOU, YOU KNOW!
Here is a list of things that I have to tell you:
I passed my graduation exams.
I just got my passport.
For some reason, people have been telling me I look relieved.
I am relieved.
I will be graduating May 10.
I don't know if my father is going to attend.
I haven't been writing poetry because I've been writing dialogues.
I just bought some clothes today. A couple of cute dresses.
I always feel guilty when I buy cute clothes.
I rarely buy cute clothes.
I'm so nervous about my future.
At least I look relieved.
I still am relieved.
More to come when I have a chance to tell you guys stuff. I think I'm going back to sleep.
Labels: It Really Happened
Will I Make It to Friday? Will I Make It to Saturday?
Monday, March 24, 2008
"This defeat has taught me a lesson, but I'm not quite sure what it is." - John McEnroe
This is going to be a big week for me. I'm taking a last $100 to my name to do something crazy. I'm going to buy a passport. I've got more debt than these five pictures of Andrew Jackson can do anything with, so I'm going to do this. Or should I say but. I have to believe that I'm going to Mexico to brush up on my Spanish. Pray. Keep your fingers crossed. Furiously rub your lucky charm. Send positive auras. Whatever. Give it to me. Hit me with it.
My first part of my graduation exams are Friday, and I don't think I'm ready for them. On up note, I know the difference between a metonymy and a synechdoche. I think. The difference is subtle, but a metonymy replaces one word for another (firing up the grill for igniting a fire in the grill). A synechdoche abbreviates a phrase for a whole thing (I hope Memphis wins the Big Dance this year--where Memphis is referring to the Memphis State University basketball team).
You wouldn't believe how long it took me to get that in my head. Geez.
This is going to be a big week for me. I'm taking a last $100 to my name to do something crazy. I'm going to buy a passport. I've got more debt than these five pictures of Andrew Jackson can do anything with, so I'm going to do this. Or should I say but. I have to believe that I'm going to Mexico to brush up on my Spanish. Pray. Keep your fingers crossed. Furiously rub your lucky charm. Send positive auras. Whatever. Give it to me. Hit me with it.
My first part of my graduation exams are Friday, and I don't think I'm ready for them. On up note, I know the difference between a metonymy and a synechdoche. I think. The difference is subtle, but a metonymy replaces one word for another (firing up the grill for igniting a fire in the grill). A synechdoche abbreviates a phrase for a whole thing (I hope Memphis wins the Big Dance this year--where Memphis is referring to the Memphis State University basketball team).
You wouldn't believe how long it took me to get that in my head. Geez.
Labels: It Really Happened
Ten Things This Tuesday
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
"The man who sees both sides of a question is a man who sees absolutely nothing."- Oscar Wilde
Do you want to know how much I love you? I love you so much, I was having this conversation with someone, and after it ended, a train of thoughts came to my mind--and it ended with YOU! YES YOU! What kind of jubilant thing was I thinking? Who knows! You were on my mind, and that is all that matters.
Ten things that happened in a dream I had this morning--really!
1. I saw an old friend.
2. Even though she moved to be with the man of her dreams, she went to bed with her female lover in my dream.
3. I was only wearing a towel after showering. A big towel, but a towel just the same.
4. I went to the grocery store wearing only that towel.
5. I came back to the denizen from which I showered--a compound of condos--and decided to go another, what I thought at the time shorter direction.
6. Well you know how those things are made--they all look the same. Of course I did not remember the condo from which I exited.
7. Hoards of people from different sororities and fraternities came from everywhere.
8. One frat guy tried to take my towel away from me.
9. When I tried to kick him, he grabbed my ankle and tried to stick his thingie inside me (family blog or else I would have less tactfully expressed what he was attempting--I know that you know what he was trying to do)! I was appalled! I mean it's been a while, but I do have standards!
10. I determined while having this dream that I was having a stress dream and that I should awaken so I can finish reading The Adventures of Caleb Williams. That said, I couldn't awaken myself out of the dream!
Do you want to know how much I love you? I love you so much, I was having this conversation with someone, and after it ended, a train of thoughts came to my mind--and it ended with YOU! YES YOU! What kind of jubilant thing was I thinking? Who knows! You were on my mind, and that is all that matters.
Ten things that happened in a dream I had this morning--really!
1. I saw an old friend.
2. Even though she moved to be with the man of her dreams, she went to bed with her female lover in my dream.
3. I was only wearing a towel after showering. A big towel, but a towel just the same.
4. I went to the grocery store wearing only that towel.
5. I came back to the denizen from which I showered--a compound of condos--and decided to go another, what I thought at the time shorter direction.
6. Well you know how those things are made--they all look the same. Of course I did not remember the condo from which I exited.
7. Hoards of people from different sororities and fraternities came from everywhere.
8. One frat guy tried to take my towel away from me.
9. When I tried to kick him, he grabbed my ankle and tried to stick his thingie inside me (family blog or else I would have less tactfully expressed what he was attempting--I know that you know what he was trying to do)! I was appalled! I mean it's been a while, but I do have standards!
10. I determined while having this dream that I was having a stress dream and that I should awaken so I can finish reading The Adventures of Caleb Williams. That said, I couldn't awaken myself out of the dream!
Gina's Been Depressed. Please Leave a Message after the Tone...
Sunday, March 09, 2008
"He who joyfully marches in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice." - Albert Einstein
So, over the last few weeks, I've been morbidly depressed. I've missed completing work in all of my classes, cried in my classes, stayed in my bed for days at a time, not sleep for more than five hours at a time, even suicidal thoughts.
That's the truth, and I'm sticking to it. SCREAMING!!!!!!
I'm dealing with the reasons why I've been behaving this way. For the most part, it's fear. I almost want to personalize it by capitalizing it. Fear and hopelessness has been hovering over me like an umbrella that's raining from under it. I've got stuff that I have to clear out of my head, but when a person deals with believing what others say since your childhood, those thoughts become voiceless--not being able to acknowledge that someone else has been telling me this crap instead of hearing it from my own voice.
Now, I have to ask of a huge favor. If you see my blog, please leave a note. Part of the reason I don't post often is because I really don't think anyone's been reading it. I don't need a pity party or a praising "you'll get through this" message. Just say, "hi." I need inspiration. You are that inspiration for me. I have had many thoughts to write about, but if I write without anyone telling me that they read it, then it's like not knowing if the husband takes out the garbage in the forest.
I'll try to do better. And to that one person who asked me, "now you know."
I still love all five of you.
So, over the last few weeks, I've been morbidly depressed. I've missed completing work in all of my classes, cried in my classes, stayed in my bed for days at a time, not sleep for more than five hours at a time, even suicidal thoughts.
That's the truth, and I'm sticking to it. SCREAMING!!!!!!
I'm dealing with the reasons why I've been behaving this way. For the most part, it's fear. I almost want to personalize it by capitalizing it. Fear and hopelessness has been hovering over me like an umbrella that's raining from under it. I've got stuff that I have to clear out of my head, but when a person deals with believing what others say since your childhood, those thoughts become voiceless--not being able to acknowledge that someone else has been telling me this crap instead of hearing it from my own voice.
Now, I have to ask of a huge favor. If you see my blog, please leave a note. Part of the reason I don't post often is because I really don't think anyone's been reading it. I don't need a pity party or a praising "you'll get through this" message. Just say, "hi." I need inspiration. You are that inspiration for me. I have had many thoughts to write about, but if I write without anyone telling me that they read it, then it's like not knowing if the husband takes out the garbage in the forest.
I'll try to do better. And to that one person who asked me, "now you know."
I still love all five of you.
Labels: Calls for Response, It Really Happened, Screaming, The Negatives
You Wouldn't Believe Who I Met!!!!!
Saturday, February 09, 2008
"In order to live free and happily you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice." - Richard Bach
I met Natasha Trethewey!!!! And if you don't know who that is, well, you are not that smart! (It's okay, though. I didn't know who she was, either.) She won the Pulizer Prize for poetry last year! You have got to get her book Native Guard. If you have lost a loved one, you will understand how deeply personal and difficult writing this poetry might have been. The pictures I've seen of her do her no justice--she's drop-dead gorgeous. I've been reinvigorated by her advice and her work.
Going to study now. I have work to do! Google "Natasha Trethewey" and "Monument"--you will understand why she got the prize!
I met Natasha Trethewey!!!! And if you don't know who that is, well, you are not that smart! (It's okay, though. I didn't know who she was, either.) She won the Pulizer Prize for poetry last year! You have got to get her book Native Guard. If you have lost a loved one, you will understand how deeply personal and difficult writing this poetry might have been. The pictures I've seen of her do her no justice--she's drop-dead gorgeous. I've been reinvigorated by her advice and her work.
Going to study now. I have work to do! Google "Natasha Trethewey" and "Monument"--you will understand why she got the prize!
Labels: It Really Happened, My Opinion
Have You Heard about This?
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
"Poetry is an orphan of silence. The words never quite equal the experience behind them." - Charles Simic
I patented that. Okay, okay. I copyrighted it. I'm just saying that you better quote me when you tell someone else!
(And that might have been the shortest post I have on my blog, so you better show me some love! You know how much I can talk!)
Edward to Drop Out of Race
I am utterly stunned about this, though I guess I cannot be surprised. The superstars are getting the money, and realistically, who can outdo Oprah? What is the lesson that we've learned today, boys and girls? It might be who you know more than what you know because who you know knows what you know.I patented that. Okay, okay. I copyrighted it. I'm just saying that you better quote me when you tell someone else!
(And that might have been the shortest post I have on my blog, so you better show me some love! You know how much I can talk!)
Labels: Humor, It Really Happened, Thoughts
Update on My Birthday
Monday, January 28, 2008
"In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." - Theodore Roosevelt
So, I was sitting around moping, and the girl who asked me to do all of that work came and asked me if i wanted to go to WalMart. Oh yeah. That is the perfect place to go to end my birthday. I decided to turn my frown upside down. I was going to take my camera to make an event of my going to WalMart for my birthday.
We go to our friend's car and an old friend walks by. He gives me a birthday hug and tells me that he's going to a club with another friend of ours. At that moment, I was torn. I knew the girlfriend wanted to boost my spirits, but I think the guy friend stood there for a moment as a subtle invitation...come on, Gina, it'll be fun. On top of that, you don't have to look at the blue-vested people and try to feel some modicum of joy...
I looked back and forth between him and the car. I made my move. I looked at the girlfriends in the car and said, "I'm going with him." Now there's more to the story, but I have to do some work before class. Safe to say that I had fun, though!
So, I was sitting around moping, and the girl who asked me to do all of that work came and asked me if i wanted to go to WalMart. Oh yeah. That is the perfect place to go to end my birthday. I decided to turn my frown upside down. I was going to take my camera to make an event of my going to WalMart for my birthday.
We go to our friend's car and an old friend walks by. He gives me a birthday hug and tells me that he's going to a club with another friend of ours. At that moment, I was torn. I knew the girlfriend wanted to boost my spirits, but I think the guy friend stood there for a moment as a subtle invitation...come on, Gina, it'll be fun. On top of that, you don't have to look at the blue-vested people and try to feel some modicum of joy...
I looked back and forth between him and the car. I made my move. I looked at the girlfriends in the car and said, "I'm going with him." Now there's more to the story, but I have to do some work before class. Safe to say that I had fun, though!
Labels: Humor, It Really Happened
Happy Birthday to Me. Yuck.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
"The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success, hasn't been asleep." - Wilson Mizner
Well, guess what the heck I've done for my 42nd birthday. Let's just say that I'm sad. Instead of going out and having some fun with some people that I may never see again, much less see next year, and instead of going to work for some extra chump change, I did someone a favor. Someone who I know beyond a shadow of a doubt would not do the same for me. Why? (Mind you, I really want to curse and kick something--maybe I'll kick my teddy bear--this is a family blog, so no cursing. Asterisks are another story all together...) I guess the best answer would be because I am a sucker. A doggone sucker.
I woke up this morning and the first thought that came to my mind is, "I hate my life." I decided to swat that sucker right out of my head. I went to work, decided to go to lunch where someone sang "happy birthday" to me, went back to work. I thought I was going to do something fun, when not only did I discover that I that I was not going to have fun, I was also going to be politely removed from the place I went to to have some fun. I can't explain it.
In the meantime, I missed going to a party for not just me, but for three of us who has a birthday today. So I came back to campus to pick up a friend. She didn't tell me that she was going with someone else. Now here's the kicker. I go to someone else's room, and they need me to write something for them. As someone else. What do I do? Write the letter. Took me 90 minutes to make the letter look great. What does she ask me to do? "Gina, I will pay you five dollars." Uh oh. In the year and a half that I've known this woman, I've seen her pull out money ONCE. "Ten dollars." Yeah, right. What do you want... "Would you write my letter for me?" I told her that it was enough to write a letter as one person, now you want me to write a letter for two? I added that I would clean up the letter after she wrote it. "I can't put down what I want to write in my head." Uh huh. Neither can I.
I came to my room, burst into tears because it's my 42nd birthday and not one single present from anybody. I guess I should count one present: God gave me this day.
That was too dad gum sappy. SCREAMING!!!!!
Well, guess what the heck I've done for my 42nd birthday. Let's just say that I'm sad. Instead of going out and having some fun with some people that I may never see again, much less see next year, and instead of going to work for some extra chump change, I did someone a favor. Someone who I know beyond a shadow of a doubt would not do the same for me. Why? (Mind you, I really want to curse and kick something--maybe I'll kick my teddy bear--this is a family blog, so no cursing. Asterisks are another story all together...) I guess the best answer would be because I am a sucker. A doggone sucker.
I woke up this morning and the first thought that came to my mind is, "I hate my life." I decided to swat that sucker right out of my head. I went to work, decided to go to lunch where someone sang "happy birthday" to me, went back to work. I thought I was going to do something fun, when not only did I discover that I that I was not going to have fun, I was also going to be politely removed from the place I went to to have some fun. I can't explain it.
In the meantime, I missed going to a party for not just me, but for three of us who has a birthday today. So I came back to campus to pick up a friend. She didn't tell me that she was going with someone else. Now here's the kicker. I go to someone else's room, and they need me to write something for them. As someone else. What do I do? Write the letter. Took me 90 minutes to make the letter look great. What does she ask me to do? "Gina, I will pay you five dollars." Uh oh. In the year and a half that I've known this woman, I've seen her pull out money ONCE. "Ten dollars." Yeah, right. What do you want... "Would you write my letter for me?" I told her that it was enough to write a letter as one person, now you want me to write a letter for two? I added that I would clean up the letter after she wrote it. "I can't put down what I want to write in my head." Uh huh. Neither can I.
I came to my room, burst into tears because it's my 42nd birthday and not one single present from anybody. I guess I should count one present: God gave me this day.
That was too dad gum sappy. SCREAMING!!!!!
Labels: It Really Happened, Screaming, The Negatives, Thoughts
Ten Things This Tuesday
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
"Reasonable people adapt themselves to the world. Unreasonable people attempt to adapt the world to themselves. All progress, therefore, depends on unreasonable people." - George Bernard Shaw
So, two days away from my 24th birthday...okay, okay! So what if the numbers are backwards! I only look a little older than that! Mwahahahahahahahaha! So what will my TTTT be about? Hmmm... I got it!
Ten things I'm thinking about now that I can no longer ignore that I'm actually a forty-something cougar without the cougar body.
1. Eight years until fifty.
2. Eighteen years from sixty.
3. Twenty-one years from the age my mama passed away.
4. I'm going to have a Bachelor's degree in 115 days.
5. Seventeen Saturdays from graduation.
6. Seventeen Mondays from being out of school and unemployed if I don't get a gig shaking and baking!
7. Oh my good googly woogly! Seventeen Saturdays! That's seventeen Thursdays! One hundred fifteen tomorrows!
8. Why is my heart racing?
9. Because I'm going to be sick.
10. Nope! Because I'm going to get my dream in 115 days!
So, two days away from my 24th birthday...okay, okay! So what if the numbers are backwards! I only look a little older than that! Mwahahahahahahahaha! So what will my TTTT be about? Hmmm... I got it!
Ten things I'm thinking about now that I can no longer ignore that I'm actually a forty-something cougar without the cougar body.
1. Eight years until fifty.
2. Eighteen years from sixty.
3. Twenty-one years from the age my mama passed away.
4. I'm going to have a Bachelor's degree in 115 days.
5. Seventeen Saturdays from graduation.
6. Seventeen Mondays from being out of school and unemployed if I don't get a gig shaking and baking!
7. Oh my good googly woogly! Seventeen Saturdays! That's seventeen Thursdays! One hundred fifteen tomorrows!
8. Why is my heart racing?
9. Because I'm going to be sick.
10. Nope! Because I'm going to get my dream in 115 days!
Labels: Calls for Response, Feel Goods, It Really Happened, Ten Things This Tuesday, Thoughts
Back to School Again
Monday, January 14, 2008
"Every problem has a gift for you in its hands." - Richard Bach
Well, I am back at school. I'm tired already. How did that happen? And I want to go to sleep right now, but if I do that, then I will be so far behind in my work that it'll make me want to cry.
I was in a car accident. Stupid idiot ran into me when he just backed up into my car. I'm so freaking passive. When he said that he had no insurance, I felt the minuscule dent and scratch that is on there was so irrelevant, I let him go. Then I got stiff as heck. I bought some Percogesic and Tylenol. When I got home, I drugged myself, and it felt so good, that I've been taking two of them every night since. Too bad that I took two last night at one in the morning.
I set my clock at six. I got out of bed at six. I turned off the alarm at six. I got back to bed at six. I got back up. And I thought I could do it, but I ended up crashing in my last class between 2:45 and 4.
I gotta tell you what happened to me when I woke up and started to unpack my car.
Well, I am back at school. I'm tired already. How did that happen? And I want to go to sleep right now, but if I do that, then I will be so far behind in my work that it'll make me want to cry.
I was in a car accident. Stupid idiot ran into me when he just backed up into my car. I'm so freaking passive. When he said that he had no insurance, I felt the minuscule dent and scratch that is on there was so irrelevant, I let him go. Then I got stiff as heck. I bought some Percogesic and Tylenol. When I got home, I drugged myself, and it felt so good, that I've been taking two of them every night since. Too bad that I took two last night at one in the morning.
I set my clock at six. I got out of bed at six. I turned off the alarm at six. I got back to bed at six. I got back up. And I thought I could do it, but I ended up crashing in my last class between 2:45 and 4.
I gotta tell you what happened to me when I woke up and started to unpack my car.
Labels: Humor, It Really Happened
Well, I Wanted to Write Something
Friday, January 04, 2008
"The stoical scheme of supplying our wants by lopping off our desires, is like cutting off our feet when we want shoes."- Jonathan Swift
I thought I wanted to write a "Much - Not So Much" post, but I found this quote and got inspired.
I do this sometimes, try to pay off bills and neglecting things I really want. Heck, I can't remember the last time I bought some clothing that I could wear to church. I won't even tell you how many pairs of shoes I have. Let's put it this way: I am the one person whose shoe collection you can browse in 17 seconds. Probably less.
Oh, wait! I knew it was something I wanted to tell you--all five of you. (I bet you thought I didn't include myself in those five people, huh. Well, I have to type it, so I have to read it. Hee hee!) I got a boost of confidence New Year's Eve! My male cousin told me at the gathering his girlfriend had at her house that I still "got it, and you know you got it. Look at these men trying to get your attention!"
I shook my head. I'll have to put up a pic with what I did on Christmas break. Yup, after three weeks of stressing and barely putting my own fingers much less a comb through my hair, I combed it and then some. I look gorgeous.
Not that I'm saying that, mind you.
I swear, that's what I've been told! "Gina, dahlingk, you look absolutely gorgeous!" Hopefully, I will successfully drive someone crazy with--woops, almost forgot, this is a family blog. I can't say anymore than that (but you know what I mean).
I took a picture of myself on my phone (I got it cheap and probably won't buy another one until this one falls apart or when I get a job). I looked at it, and darn it! I have to agree with these people! Dare I say I was surprised! I'm strikingly adorable!
I'm getting long-winded. I haven't forgot about the thing that I'm going to start doing on here. Keep looking for it, I'll start next week.
I thought I wanted to write a "Much - Not So Much" post, but I found this quote and got inspired.
I do this sometimes, try to pay off bills and neglecting things I really want. Heck, I can't remember the last time I bought some clothing that I could wear to church. I won't even tell you how many pairs of shoes I have. Let's put it this way: I am the one person whose shoe collection you can browse in 17 seconds. Probably less.
Oh, wait! I knew it was something I wanted to tell you--all five of you. (I bet you thought I didn't include myself in those five people, huh. Well, I have to type it, so I have to read it. Hee hee!) I got a boost of confidence New Year's Eve! My male cousin told me at the gathering his girlfriend had at her house that I still "got it, and you know you got it. Look at these men trying to get your attention!"
I shook my head. I'll have to put up a pic with what I did on Christmas break. Yup, after three weeks of stressing and barely putting my own fingers much less a comb through my hair, I combed it and then some. I look gorgeous.
Not that I'm saying that, mind you.
I swear, that's what I've been told! "Gina, dahlingk, you look absolutely gorgeous!" Hopefully, I will successfully drive someone crazy with--woops, almost forgot, this is a family blog. I can't say anymore than that (but you know what I mean).
I took a picture of myself on my phone (I got it cheap and probably won't buy another one until this one falls apart or when I get a job). I looked at it, and darn it! I have to agree with these people! Dare I say I was surprised! I'm strikingly adorable!
I'm getting long-winded. I haven't forgot about the thing that I'm going to start doing on here. Keep looking for it, I'll start next week.
Labels: Feel Goods, Humor, It Really Happened, Thoughts
I Had an Epiphany
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
"Every Communist must grasp the truth: 'Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun'." - Mao Tse-Tung
So, this is what I did tonight. I procrastinated by calling a few people. They must have seen my number on the Caller ID and decided to not pick up. You're probably laughing, but with my St. Louis area code, it threw off the last person I called. After confirming that I was speaking with her, she said, "What are you doing in St. Louis?" I told her that I had always had this phone number. Can you believe she said (like so many other people after I don't talk to them in a while) that she did not know where I was. Now I know that she knew. Then she said that my cousin had called and that she called. I told her that I spoke with my cousin. Would you believe it? I swear I'm going to write this in a book whenever I do, definitely in a short story. This woman said that the cousin told her that she hadn't heard from me.
"Well, I guess I'm lying." Geez!
"No, no. I didn't say that you were lying. I'm just telling you what she said. Don't put words in my mouth." Come on. I told her that I did talk to her, and she so much as said that I didn't because she said that I didn't. Good grief.
Digressing.
I got off the phone, read this book (Oh, if any of the five of you who are reading this happens to want to read a book on Black history, and how some of the mentality of white racists came about, you have got to pick up White over Black: American Attitudes of the Negro from 1550-1812. Very interesting book) that I am having in a class of mine next semester for nearly 90 minutes. I had to go to the bathroom (yup, don't we all do that? Saying that doesn't make me a bad person, does it?), picked up this book called The Nature of Literature: Writing on Literary Topics when it hit me.
Yup. this is the epiphany.
I could go to my school for one more year to get my teaching license, teach while I go to grad school to get my master's in Library Science, and become a librarian as I go to school for English or Creative Writing! Is that not a serious plan or what???? I like it. I figured that I would stop studying--stop everything--and write this down: my master plan. It sounds pretty solid to me. What do you think? Be honest with me. Inquiring minds want to know. Okay, not inquiring minds, just my mind.
Labels: Calls for Response, It Really Happened, Thoughts
One More Time
Monday, December 31, 2007
"The habit of looking on the best side of every event is worth more than a thousand pounds a year. "- Samuel Johnson
What does everyone do for the end of the year? Well, I'm going to write a letter to myself.
Dear Gina,
It's the last day of the year. You were in your hometown in Mississippi. You had just finished your fourth semester at school--the classes you had were Dr. M's Faulkner/Morrison class, Dr. M's Senior Seminar, Dr. F's Spanish History class, and Ms. S's Creative Writing class. You did that play, "Spring Awakening" where you played Frau Gabor, and you froze that Thursday night, but was flawless the other performances. Funny how you could still quote the lines now that you couldn't get in your head before, huh!
You got an A, an A-, a B, and two B-'s. All were deserved--you probably should have gotten worse on the B-'s--but you made it through. You are coming to the last semester at this swanky college, and you still have your brain. You are trying to decide when you are going to take your GRE, what you want to get your Master's in (you have been mulling between English and Library Science) and you decided to become more active in voluteering when you can. You (you silly girl) decided to take a full load instead of one class and live off campus somewhere. There is so much you want to do this last semester. You are terrified about comprehensive exams--remember, you brought two boxes of books home you wanted to go through over break? How did that work out for you?--and what is next after you graduate.
You are single and really don't want to mingle. You've still got some self-esteem issues you've got to face. You still grieve for your mama, just not as badly or as often. That's really not a bad thing. One thing you have resolved to do is to push your limits, not let the lazy nemesis that you have inside do you in and make you not do the things you strive to do. You weigh 190, and you hate taking pictures, because they are not what you see in the mirror, or how you feel. But then you are feeling a little older, a little slower to get out of bed, a little stiffer in your walk, but deep down inside, you are a vibrant and happy person.
So I wrote this letter to you in hopes that you will see what you have accomplished and what you did with yourself by this day in 2008. Hopefully you will find the companion that you truly deserve in the friend that you have, and you will be able to say that the one person that has been in your life for so long will either be much closer or gone. Goodness knows this limbo thing is just stupid. I wish you the dreams that will make you happy. No more living on the edge of life. Stop letting fear inhabit the space of courage in your soul. Get smarter if not thinner.
This journey has not ended, my darling Gina. It continues every day. It is your choice to pick a lane and drive or continue to be in the rest area. The one with the bad, cheap vending machine with overpriced pops and bathrooms where you have to roll the toilet tissue off the roll because it will only allow you to pull three squares at a time. Yeah, that rest area. Get on the highway and drive!!!!
Love and yours forever and ever,
Gina
P.S. You are my number one fan and I love you. Dream big, write bigger, and find joy!
What does everyone do for the end of the year? Well, I'm going to write a letter to myself.
Dear Gina,
It's the last day of the year. You were in your hometown in Mississippi. You had just finished your fourth semester at school--the classes you had were Dr. M's Faulkner/Morrison class, Dr. M's Senior Seminar, Dr. F's Spanish History class, and Ms. S's Creative Writing class. You did that play, "Spring Awakening" where you played Frau Gabor, and you froze that Thursday night, but was flawless the other performances. Funny how you could still quote the lines now that you couldn't get in your head before, huh!
You got an A, an A-, a B, and two B-'s. All were deserved--you probably should have gotten worse on the B-'s--but you made it through. You are coming to the last semester at this swanky college, and you still have your brain. You are trying to decide when you are going to take your GRE, what you want to get your Master's in (you have been mulling between English and Library Science) and you decided to become more active in voluteering when you can. You (you silly girl) decided to take a full load instead of one class and live off campus somewhere. There is so much you want to do this last semester. You are terrified about comprehensive exams--remember, you brought two boxes of books home you wanted to go through over break? How did that work out for you?--and what is next after you graduate.
You are single and really don't want to mingle. You've still got some self-esteem issues you've got to face. You still grieve for your mama, just not as badly or as often. That's really not a bad thing. One thing you have resolved to do is to push your limits, not let the lazy nemesis that you have inside do you in and make you not do the things you strive to do. You weigh 190, and you hate taking pictures, because they are not what you see in the mirror, or how you feel. But then you are feeling a little older, a little slower to get out of bed, a little stiffer in your walk, but deep down inside, you are a vibrant and happy person.
So I wrote this letter to you in hopes that you will see what you have accomplished and what you did with yourself by this day in 2008. Hopefully you will find the companion that you truly deserve in the friend that you have, and you will be able to say that the one person that has been in your life for so long will either be much closer or gone. Goodness knows this limbo thing is just stupid. I wish you the dreams that will make you happy. No more living on the edge of life. Stop letting fear inhabit the space of courage in your soul. Get smarter if not thinner.
This journey has not ended, my darling Gina. It continues every day. It is your choice to pick a lane and drive or continue to be in the rest area. The one with the bad, cheap vending machine with overpriced pops and bathrooms where you have to roll the toilet tissue off the roll because it will only allow you to pull three squares at a time. Yeah, that rest area. Get on the highway and drive!!!!
Love and yours forever and ever,
Gina
P.S. You are my number one fan and I love you. Dream big, write bigger, and find joy!
Labels: It Really Happened, New Year's Eve letter, Thoughts
On Hiatus Again
Thursday, December 20, 2007
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."- Woody Allen
I'm not sure that I'm going to get my internet hooked up at home or not, but today I'm going to my extremely small town for a few weeks. I may go up to the library to blog, but don't bet the farm on it.
I've had random thoughts go in and out of my head lately, and I'm not sure why I never think to write them down. Some of them are funny--to me, at least, and really, isn't that what really matters? Memememememe!--and some make me grumble. For example, if everyone would be nice and let other people get in front of them on a regular basis, traffic driving would be so much simpler and kinder. Oh yeah! Would you believe a traffic jam at a mall? Don't people have the internet? Just do some HSN shopping or something already! Geez!
Okay, I'm done for now. Oh, let me tell you something else. I called my father to wish him happy birthday. He called me back and sounded like he was doing better. Grumble, grumble. I just decided to not push him about some of the things that were stressing him like his business and his health. He told me that he was getting numbness in the feet (he's diabetic), and I'm really sorry to hear that. I'm inspired to go on a edamame and grapefruit diet because of it. I'll tell you about my heart (physically, that is) when I get around to it, or is that a round tuit?
I'm not sure that I'm going to get my internet hooked up at home or not, but today I'm going to my extremely small town for a few weeks. I may go up to the library to blog, but don't bet the farm on it.
I've had random thoughts go in and out of my head lately, and I'm not sure why I never think to write them down. Some of them are funny--to me, at least, and really, isn't that what really matters? Memememememe!--and some make me grumble. For example, if everyone would be nice and let other people get in front of them on a regular basis, traffic driving would be so much simpler and kinder. Oh yeah! Would you believe a traffic jam at a mall? Don't people have the internet? Just do some HSN shopping or something already! Geez!
Okay, I'm done for now. Oh, let me tell you something else. I called my father to wish him happy birthday. He called me back and sounded like he was doing better. Grumble, grumble. I just decided to not push him about some of the things that were stressing him like his business and his health. He told me that he was getting numbness in the feet (he's diabetic), and I'm really sorry to hear that. I'm inspired to go on a edamame and grapefruit diet because of it. I'll tell you about my heart (physically, that is) when I get around to it, or is that a round tuit?
Labels: It Really Happened