Too Old To Be Feeling Like This...
Friday, June 30, 2006
"The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you."
----
Kin Hubbard
Try as I might, dealing with my father can be interesting. Ironically, it took the man that has been closest to me to get a clue about what my father tried to say to me.
As you guys know, I’m broke. Having no job for three months and waiting to get back in school has been a little stressful. Ever since I could remember, my father handles money with relationship to people in a possessive manner. If he gives you money, he has taken something away from you. Let me explain.
On more than one occasion, when my father hands out money—whether to pay someone for services received, going to the grocery store, or to simply be charitable—there is a sense of “I’ve got money, you don’t, so I can give you this money any way I want to, and there is nothing you can do about it. Well, you can take it and be thankful that I did give it.” He would be so snobby in his attitude sometimes that it would be embarrassing to me.
So it goes without saying that I go through the ends of the earth to not ask him for money. It’s not about pride. It’s about seeing the smug look on his face. Now, listen, people. Maybe I do deserve to be treated like what got stuck on the bottom of a shoe, but when I do not ask him for anything unless I truly need it. Otherwise, I call my dad on occasion--I try at least once weekly--for no reason at all. I often page him to let him know that I love him, just so he can see that I’m thinking of him.
So when I got a note from him, I was beside myself. He wrote, “Parents have their children, but they don’t own them, except for you.” Help me out, people. How else can I interpret this?
I never told him about my sexually traumatic childhood—something I haven’t told you about either; I may or may not—but it took me back there. It also took me back to the many, many times that I have felt like less than a human being from so many people. I’m fitfully mad. I think that is not the right word for it. More like hurt. How could a man feel like that about his children? How could he feel like that about me? How diminished am I supposed to feel about myself for other people?
Someone, anyone, tell me. Is there anything positive that anyone could get out of that statement for me?
----
Kin Hubbard
Try as I might, dealing with my father can be interesting. Ironically, it took the man that has been closest to me to get a clue about what my father tried to say to me.
As you guys know, I’m broke. Having no job for three months and waiting to get back in school has been a little stressful. Ever since I could remember, my father handles money with relationship to people in a possessive manner. If he gives you money, he has taken something away from you. Let me explain.
On more than one occasion, when my father hands out money—whether to pay someone for services received, going to the grocery store, or to simply be charitable—there is a sense of “I’ve got money, you don’t, so I can give you this money any way I want to, and there is nothing you can do about it. Well, you can take it and be thankful that I did give it.” He would be so snobby in his attitude sometimes that it would be embarrassing to me.
So it goes without saying that I go through the ends of the earth to not ask him for money. It’s not about pride. It’s about seeing the smug look on his face. Now, listen, people. Maybe I do deserve to be treated like what got stuck on the bottom of a shoe, but when I do not ask him for anything unless I truly need it. Otherwise, I call my dad on occasion--I try at least once weekly--for no reason at all. I often page him to let him know that I love him, just so he can see that I’m thinking of him.
So when I got a note from him, I was beside myself. He wrote, “Parents have their children, but they don’t own them, except for you.” Help me out, people. How else can I interpret this?
I never told him about my sexually traumatic childhood—something I haven’t told you about either; I may or may not—but it took me back there. It also took me back to the many, many times that I have felt like less than a human being from so many people. I’m fitfully mad. I think that is not the right word for it. More like hurt. How could a man feel like that about his children? How could he feel like that about me? How diminished am I supposed to feel about myself for other people?
Someone, anyone, tell me. Is there anything positive that anyone could get out of that statement for me?
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Comments for Too Old To Be Feeling Like This...
Are you the only one who goes out of your way to keep in touch with him when you're not asking for something from him? If so, it may have been a positive statement in his eyes. As if to say, "I claim you, not just conceived you." Well, you asked for a positive spin on it, so I tried.
I have a very exasperating Daddy too, and he's 101!! Can't blame it on his age, though, as he's always been that way.
I have a very exasperating Daddy too, and he's 101!! Can't blame it on his age, though, as he's always been that way.
- Posted at Fri Jun 30, 12:47:00 PM | By
Rosemary
I probably am the only person that is not independently wealthy that does try to keep in touch with him.
I love him, and I strongly believe that he loves me. That said, we have an interesting relationship. I really don't think he likes me. But then, I've not had enough people in my real life--in contrast to my online life--that make me feel like I am likeable. Ironically, some members of my family are most critical of my writing.
One conversation that I had with one of my most revered relatives came down to his telling me that because my writing may not be understood by one and all, that I probably am not writing well. That's the perception that he gave me.
Wanna know what I asked him to read with a disclosure that it might be difficult to read? "Directions Southern Style." (Hopefully, I'll be able to add the link, but it's in the May, 2006, archives.) Yup, sight unseen, mind you, he discredited my story and discounted my ability to write. I still love him, though.
Which reminds me... thank YOU for commenting. I needed to hear a different perspective.
I love him, and I strongly believe that he loves me. That said, we have an interesting relationship. I really don't think he likes me. But then, I've not had enough people in my real life--in contrast to my online life--that make me feel like I am likeable. Ironically, some members of my family are most critical of my writing.
One conversation that I had with one of my most revered relatives came down to his telling me that because my writing may not be understood by one and all, that I probably am not writing well. That's the perception that he gave me.
Wanna know what I asked him to read with a disclosure that it might be difficult to read? "Directions Southern Style." (Hopefully, I'll be able to add the link, but it's in the May, 2006, archives.) Yup, sight unseen, mind you, he discredited my story and discounted my ability to write. I still love him, though.
Which reminds me... thank YOU for commenting. I needed to hear a different perspective.
- Posted at Fri Jun 30, 04:29:00 PM | By Evolution of gina
We choose how we interpret things. I can see how your past dealing with your father would lead you to think he literally meant he owned you. But MAYBE he meant something entirely different. Men don't always know how to express emotions. Maybe, he DOES claim you as a full fledged daughter. Maybe he is proud of you. Maybe he doesn't know how to say I love you .... and instead says he 'owns' you because he wants you to be a part of his life forever.
If you choose to think of it in the negative you will be miserable. It might be the truth but if it is he doesn't know you well.
If you choose to think of it in terms of a bumbling man trying to express a deep feeling of love and pride, not only will you feel better, but you will be able to keep him in your life in a loving way. Even if it isn't the truth.
He IS your father and you can never replace him. He either will try to work with you to keep a good relationship or he won't. But you CAN try ... and keep trying. You will be happier in the long run if you do.
It could get to the point that you no longer want to try. You might have to pull back. But while you can, hug him as often as possible, tell him how much you love him. And picture him in your mind while doing it as the father you want to have. When he is gone he will be forever gone and you will not be able to do those things. I know ... my father died when I was 16.
HUGS sweety! You have a good soul!
If you choose to think of it in the negative you will be miserable. It might be the truth but if it is he doesn't know you well.
If you choose to think of it in terms of a bumbling man trying to express a deep feeling of love and pride, not only will you feel better, but you will be able to keep him in your life in a loving way. Even if it isn't the truth.
He IS your father and you can never replace him. He either will try to work with you to keep a good relationship or he won't. But you CAN try ... and keep trying. You will be happier in the long run if you do.
It could get to the point that you no longer want to try. You might have to pull back. But while you can, hug him as often as possible, tell him how much you love him. And picture him in your mind while doing it as the father you want to have. When he is gone he will be forever gone and you will not be able to do those things. I know ... my father died when I was 16.
HUGS sweety! You have a good soul!
- Posted at Fri Jun 30, 08:04:00 PM | By Mama Mouse
For the moment, I've shrugged it off. I didn't clarify that the person that I talked it over with happens to be my ex-fiance.
I may have to write about him... good grief. MEN!!!
I may have to write about him... good grief. MEN!!!
- Posted at Fri Jun 30, 10:09:00 PM | By Evolution of gina
I'm in favor of "mama mouse's" comments. We chose what we believe. On the positive side I believe that his meaning was to let you know that you are always a part of him, and him you. Think about you... generally adults take care of things they own -- by choice. He chooses to love you unconditionally, he chooses to take care of you when needed, he chooses to let you know that you too are in his thoughts by dropping a note. Let's take it for what it is, a note from a father to his daughter.
Be blessed!
Be blessed!
- Posted at Sat Jul 01, 12:35:00 AM | By
Glad to see you have some positive views to ponder here. It's up to you whether you choose a positive outlook on the whole situation.
As for men not knowing how to express their feelings? My Daddy had never told me he loved me (as an adult) until he was in his 90's! Oh, he'd answer back, "I love you, too," if I said it first, but he never would initiate it.
I almost passed out the first time he said it on his own. And that was after years and years and years of telling him that. I always knew he did, but he just couldn't bring himself to say it, like it was too mushy or something.
PS. Don't forget to put the BLOG VILLAGE voting link on here, so we can vote for you.
As for men not knowing how to express their feelings? My Daddy had never told me he loved me (as an adult) until he was in his 90's! Oh, he'd answer back, "I love you, too," if I said it first, but he never would initiate it.
I almost passed out the first time he said it on his own. And that was after years and years and years of telling him that. I always knew he did, but he just couldn't bring himself to say it, like it was too mushy or something.
PS. Don't forget to put the BLOG VILLAGE voting link on here, so we can vote for you.
- Posted at Sat Jul 01, 06:28:00 AM | By Rosemary
Ooh! Okay--dad gum you, dirty butter, my mouth is watering! I love brown butter--I will have to beg and plead the person that is doing the other stuff to put it on for me... If I try to do it, y'all may not see the blog ever again.
Yikes on that!
Thanks, guys. This has been necessary. I want to hug all of y'all to sgwishes!
Yikes on that!
Thanks, guys. This has been necessary. I want to hug all of y'all to sgwishes!
- Posted at Sat Jul 01, 07:11:00 AM | By Evolution of gina
I want to hug all of y'all to sgwishes! I do believe we've got another Suthnuh among us! LOL
Glad you found a different viewpoint, and it made you feel better.
When I started this TopList, I was just hoping for a safe place to surf, but I can see that it's going to turn into a community of friends, too.
Glad you found a different viewpoint, and it made you feel better.
When I started this TopList, I was just hoping for a safe place to surf, but I can see that it's going to turn into a community of friends, too.
- Posted at Sun Jul 02, 01:39:00 PM | By Rosemary
Dear Gina,
You might end up pondering this and asking about it at length, to no avail... or you can just wtf ask him what it meant.
Pick *your* right time to ask him. You said it was a note... a note back?
One more thing: if you do it by phone it might be a good idea to have some good friend standing by--- to help you celebrate, laugh at the absurdity of meaning, or maybe cry with you.
You might end up pondering this and asking about it at length, to no avail... or you can just wtf ask him what it meant.
Pick *your* right time to ask him. You said it was a note... a note back?
One more thing: if you do it by phone it might be a good idea to have some good friend standing by--- to help you celebrate, laugh at the absurdity of meaning, or maybe cry with you.
- Posted at Sun Jul 02, 09:24:00 PM | By