Well, Guess What I Did This Morning
Monday, January 29, 2007
"Man, if you gotta ask you'll never know." - Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong
In the scheme of things, I didn't think that it was a big deal, but why does my soul want to cry? I really am on the verge of tears.
Let me say that the "woman" was actually my father. If you have read anything, especially last summer, you know that he and I have this communication problem. Well I changed my answering machine to the standard.
I feel as if there was some sort of power struggle. I almost feel like my father must need to feel like he has control over something or whatever. Heck, I don't know what his problem is for him to not only want to listen to the message, but to need to see that I have listened to him. Not all of the advice that he has given to me was best for me. This is one of those situations. I am utterly frustrated with my relationship with him. I think that I am really upset with this because it smacks submission to men. I've always given in. I've rarely have stood up for myself. I know in my heart that I see this little girl inside me that always did what other people told her and often got the short end of the stick, self-sacrificing, relinquishing, emaciated, stripped of my ability to believe in myself.
Moments like this depress me. Talk about feeling disgusted. It reminds me of the time when my ex-fiance wanted me to use the money I had to buy something that he could not get on his own. I cannot describe the self-disgust that I have for myself, much less the self-disgust that is imposed on me by so many people in my life.
Yup. I think that I am officially depressed about it. How maddening is that? I wish I could fix so much of myself, some of the things I know has got to be mental, but other things--those things that I see in myself that remind me of my parents (and none of them good)--that I almost feel that I cannot change. I do have dreams. I do have aspirations. Yet somehow, I don't feel that even I can support or confirm myself. I sure as hell cannot expect these things from my family, especially my father.
In the scheme of things, I didn't think that it was a big deal, but why does my soul want to cry? I really am on the verge of tears.
Let me say that the "woman" was actually my father. If you have read anything, especially last summer, you know that he and I have this communication problem. Well I changed my answering machine to the standard.
I feel as if there was some sort of power struggle. I almost feel like my father must need to feel like he has control over something or whatever. Heck, I don't know what his problem is for him to not only want to listen to the message, but to need to see that I have listened to him. Not all of the advice that he has given to me was best for me. This is one of those situations. I am utterly frustrated with my relationship with him. I think that I am really upset with this because it smacks submission to men. I've always given in. I've rarely have stood up for myself. I know in my heart that I see this little girl inside me that always did what other people told her and often got the short end of the stick, self-sacrificing, relinquishing, emaciated, stripped of my ability to believe in myself.
Moments like this depress me. Talk about feeling disgusted. It reminds me of the time when my ex-fiance wanted me to use the money I had to buy something that he could not get on his own. I cannot describe the self-disgust that I have for myself, much less the self-disgust that is imposed on me by so many people in my life.
Yup. I think that I am officially depressed about it. How maddening is that? I wish I could fix so much of myself, some of the things I know has got to be mental, but other things--those things that I see in myself that remind me of my parents (and none of them good)--that I almost feel that I cannot change. I do have dreams. I do have aspirations. Yet somehow, I don't feel that even I can support or confirm myself. I sure as hell cannot expect these things from my family, especially my father.
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Comments for Well, Guess What I Did This Morning
Oh, now I get it. I don't have a relationship with my father (my choice) so I guess I shouldn't be giving out advice about this.
I just found it much easier to live my life w/o my father in it. He too likes to think he can control his kids...and I don't put up with that. I've lived more of my life w/o him than with and so far, I'm doing just fine.
I suppose it helps that he lives 3 states away and has known that I don't want him around for the past 20 years.
It's really hard to shut out a parent because of the whole "they gave me life" thing and we always love them, no matter how they treat us. But that's why it hurts so much worse when they say or do something to us.
Hugs.
I just found it much easier to live my life w/o my father in it. He too likes to think he can control his kids...and I don't put up with that. I've lived more of my life w/o him than with and so far, I'm doing just fine.
I suppose it helps that he lives 3 states away and has known that I don't want him around for the past 20 years.
It's really hard to shut out a parent because of the whole "they gave me life" thing and we always love them, no matter how they treat us. But that's why it hurts so much worse when they say or do something to us.
Hugs.
- Posted at Wed Jan 31, 01:20:00 AM | By
Renee Nefe
Yeah, Renee, with my not having any siblings by both parents, I almost feel like he is my connection to family and once he is gone, it's done.
Is it sick of me to think that I should put the message back on just because I have had more dialogue--however vile and malicious--with him than I have had in a long time? Weird, but it's the truth.
Is it sick of me to think that I should put the message back on just because I have had more dialogue--however vile and malicious--with him than I have had in a long time? Weird, but it's the truth.
- Posted at Wed Jan 31, 04:36:00 PM | By Evolution of gina
I'm so sorry to hear that. Hugs.
- Posted at Wed Jan 31, 07:38:00 PM | By Renee Nefe