Oh Dear...
I've been thinking about you. More than you know, actually. I've been wanting someone to talk to over the last several weeks and couldn't talk to you. When I did have a way to talk to you, you were the last thing on my mind, and as you can see, I never got to the last thing on my mind while on the computer.
So this is what happened. Between May 16 and June 17, I was in the Yucatán, Mexico. I had a blast the first couple of weeks I was there, but as things do, drama crept up to me the last couple of weeks. I learned one thing while I was there: people are the same wherever we go because wherever we go, people are the same. We--okay, I--had all of me go to a foreign place and things just happened. I'll talk about that later.
Even now, the bad experiences seem to push and shove themselves into the forefront of my mind as I want to give you the good stuff. The bad things that happened to me are quite horrible. The last week in Mexico, one of the last two of my great aunts died. Six days after returning to the States, my dad, Lee Nixon, was fatally shot. You can google him (Lee Nixon St. Louis) to see what happened.
That day, I returned to St. Louis. I went home to Mississippi to gather a few things, but I haven't left since. The outpouring of love and support that I've received was nothing short of miraculous. (If you google my father, you will see this.) I've been doing what my father's been wanting of me--to be a salesperson for his company. I'm sure he wanted more, but that's a start.
As for me, I'm taking things one day at a time. Sometimes, when I'm feeling the grief of not seeing my father, I take things one minute at a time.
As for you, I've been slacking. You've been on my mind, and I still love you. I'll try to be better.
Labels: It Really Happened, The Negatives, Thoughts
Ten Things This Tuesday
So, I've been thinking about some things. Yes, I am still in that place of my previous post, but I've been thinking of you--how much I love you and want you to be happy and stuff. So, I'm going to make an effort to say what's on my mind that will be pleasing to you.
I'm going to put whatever the *^#$ I want to. Deal with it.
I've thought about going "green" lately. Here's some ideas on it.
Ten interesting ways to go green:
1. Kill fear.
2. Give a stranger a compliment.
3. For no reason, publicly laugh out loud.
4. Dare you to do it for sixty seconds!
5. If someone looks down, ask them if they need a hug. If they do, hug the negatives right out of them.
6. Take a shower this way: spray yourself with water, turn off the shower, give yourself a vigorous scrubby-scrub, rinse yourself.
7. If you're a green thumb, buy a plant to oxygenate a space.
8. If you're not a green thumb, buy a plastic plant to make someone have happy thoughts.
9. Refrain from saying God's name unless you need Him.
10. Stand or sit in a still place, close your eyes, and deeply inhale and exhale five times. Inhale deeply enough to see (and feel) your chest spread in all directions: feel it in your sides, in your back, and from your collarbones to your belly.
Labels: Feel Goods, Ten Things This Tuesday, Thoughts
Exit 185
So I wrote this poem about going home. Wanna see it? Well, here is the first draft. It's going to need some revisions, in fact I'm thinking about making it two separate poems. I'll post the revision eventually.
Exit 185
The mile marker hadn’t changed.
The curve last hiding slope, its median sidled
with man-made forests to the middle
and nature’s wooded barrier
on the right has not changed
from the so many trips—from different cities
away from different reasons—that I had
made before. I’d gun the engine, free
from highway patrol officers, close
to home. The slope becomes
shallower, shorter. The sensations grip
my nerves as my fingernails dig
into the steering wheel: excitement
insecurity, love, separation.
At the top of the hill, the highway meanders
slightly to the right and straightens. The viaduct
before me and the fork with secret intuition
invites me to come home. The world stops
at Exit 185. The raft of concrete connecting
the lands separated by highway
is void of obstacles, yet my worldliness
is imprisoned; the world does not permeate
these borders. Two turns and I’m disturbed
at the most recent capitalist broken attempts
to modernize this microcosm—vivid signs
offering gas, thirty-one flavors, chicken, waffles—
a designer gown on a hooker. I speed
beyond them and, after a combination
of turns and straight distances, measured relief
stills my core before my long ago
dwelling-place of my youth.
When I was a girl standing outside
only the stars interrupted
the navy-violet void
two young trees appeared
as strong weeds towering
over a blend of green and tan fauna.
Tonight those trees separate my view
from the velvet sky. I’m surprised
they came from barely nothing
to exceeding my expectations.
Time did this to the trees
but what did time do to me?
Age lines my eyes and layers my body
weighs my mind and darkens my youthful
dreams with years of forlorn melancholy.
I have lived away from these woods
these woes once entrapped turned
to musings of fear unremembered.
Years interrupt my childhood from this night.
The astral light bulbs sprawl the sky, my
favorite night light casts a translucent sheet
of bright periwinkle about all I see.
The relations between earth and sky
are amiable, on one accord
and I agree with them.
My pupils widen, my vision
bullets beyond the tree limbs
into the stars, all muses of serenity.
No wild gusts of youth to blow away
my still and certain spirit. Those days
have matured to lessons, secrets of a woman.
Labels: My Writing, Poetry, Thoughts
Have You Heard about This?
Edward to Drop Out of Race
I am utterly stunned about this, though I guess I cannot be surprised. The superstars are getting the money, and realistically, who can outdo Oprah? What is the lesson that we've learned today, boys and girls? It might be who you know more than what you know because who you know knows what you know.I patented that. Okay, okay. I copyrighted it. I'm just saying that you better quote me when you tell someone else!
(And that might have been the shortest post I have on my blog, so you better show me some love! You know how much I can talk!)
Labels: Humor, It Really Happened, Thoughts
Happy Birthday to Me. Yuck.
Well, guess what the heck I've done for my 42nd birthday. Let's just say that I'm sad. Instead of going out and having some fun with some people that I may never see again, much less see next year, and instead of going to work for some extra chump change, I did someone a favor. Someone who I know beyond a shadow of a doubt would not do the same for me. Why? (Mind you, I really want to curse and kick something--maybe I'll kick my teddy bear--this is a family blog, so no cursing. Asterisks are another story all together...) I guess the best answer would be because I am a sucker. A doggone sucker.
I woke up this morning and the first thought that came to my mind is, "I hate my life." I decided to swat that sucker right out of my head. I went to work, decided to go to lunch where someone sang "happy birthday" to me, went back to work. I thought I was going to do something fun, when not only did I discover that I that I was not going to have fun, I was also going to be politely removed from the place I went to to have some fun. I can't explain it.
In the meantime, I missed going to a party for not just me, but for three of us who has a birthday today. So I came back to campus to pick up a friend. She didn't tell me that she was going with someone else. Now here's the kicker. I go to someone else's room, and they need me to write something for them. As someone else. What do I do? Write the letter. Took me 90 minutes to make the letter look great. What does she ask me to do? "Gina, I will pay you five dollars." Uh oh. In the year and a half that I've known this woman, I've seen her pull out money ONCE. "Ten dollars." Yeah, right. What do you want... "Would you write my letter for me?" I told her that it was enough to write a letter as one person, now you want me to write a letter for two? I added that I would clean up the letter after she wrote it. "I can't put down what I want to write in my head." Uh huh. Neither can I.
I came to my room, burst into tears because it's my 42nd birthday and not one single present from anybody. I guess I should count one present: God gave me this day.
That was too dad gum sappy. SCREAMING!!!!!
Labels: It Really Happened, Screaming, The Negatives, Thoughts
Ten Things This Tuesday
So, two days away from my 24th birthday...okay, okay! So what if the numbers are backwards! I only look a little older than that! Mwahahahahahahahaha! So what will my TTTT be about? Hmmm... I got it!
Ten things I'm thinking about now that I can no longer ignore that I'm actually a forty-something cougar without the cougar body.
1. Eight years until fifty.
2. Eighteen years from sixty.
3. Twenty-one years from the age my mama passed away.
4. I'm going to have a Bachelor's degree in 115 days.
5. Seventeen Saturdays from graduation.
6. Seventeen Mondays from being out of school and unemployed if I don't get a gig shaking and baking!
7. Oh my good googly woogly! Seventeen Saturdays! That's seventeen Thursdays! One hundred fifteen tomorrows!
8. Why is my heart racing?
9. Because I'm going to be sick.
10. Nope! Because I'm going to get my dream in 115 days!
Labels: Calls for Response, Feel Goods, It Really Happened, Ten Things This Tuesday, Thoughts
Well, I Wanted to Write Something
I thought I wanted to write a "Much - Not So Much" post, but I found this quote and got inspired.
I do this sometimes, try to pay off bills and neglecting things I really want. Heck, I can't remember the last time I bought some clothing that I could wear to church. I won't even tell you how many pairs of shoes I have. Let's put it this way: I am the one person whose shoe collection you can browse in 17 seconds. Probably less.
Oh, wait! I knew it was something I wanted to tell you--all five of you. (I bet you thought I didn't include myself in those five people, huh. Well, I have to type it, so I have to read it. Hee hee!) I got a boost of confidence New Year's Eve! My male cousin told me at the gathering his girlfriend had at her house that I still "got it, and you know you got it. Look at these men trying to get your attention!"
I shook my head. I'll have to put up a pic with what I did on Christmas break. Yup, after three weeks of stressing and barely putting my own fingers much less a comb through my hair, I combed it and then some. I look gorgeous.
Not that I'm saying that, mind you.
I swear, that's what I've been told! "Gina, dahlingk, you look absolutely gorgeous!" Hopefully, I will successfully drive someone crazy with--woops, almost forgot, this is a family blog. I can't say anymore than that (but you know what I mean).
I took a picture of myself on my phone (I got it cheap and probably won't buy another one until this one falls apart or when I get a job). I looked at it, and darn it! I have to agree with these people! Dare I say I was surprised! I'm strikingly adorable!
I'm getting long-winded. I haven't forgot about the thing that I'm going to start doing on here. Keep looking for it, I'll start next week.
Labels: Feel Goods, Humor, It Really Happened, Thoughts
I Had an Epiphany
"Every Communist must grasp the truth: 'Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun'." - Mao Tse-Tung
So, this is what I did tonight. I procrastinated by calling a few people. They must have seen my number on the Caller ID and decided to not pick up. You're probably laughing, but with my St. Louis area code, it threw off the last person I called. After confirming that I was speaking with her, she said, "What are you doing in St. Louis?" I told her that I had always had this phone number. Can you believe she said (like so many other people after I don't talk to them in a while) that she did not know where I was. Now I know that she knew. Then she said that my cousin had called and that she called. I told her that I spoke with my cousin. Would you believe it? I swear I'm going to write this in a book whenever I do, definitely in a short story. This woman said that the cousin told her that she hadn't heard from me.
"Well, I guess I'm lying." Geez!
"No, no. I didn't say that you were lying. I'm just telling you what she said. Don't put words in my mouth." Come on. I told her that I did talk to her, and she so much as said that I didn't because she said that I didn't. Good grief.
Digressing.
I got off the phone, read this book (Oh, if any of the five of you who are reading this happens to want to read a book on Black history, and how some of the mentality of white racists came about, you have got to pick up White over Black: American Attitudes of the Negro from 1550-1812. Very interesting book) that I am having in a class of mine next semester for nearly 90 minutes. I had to go to the bathroom (yup, don't we all do that? Saying that doesn't make me a bad person, does it?), picked up this book called The Nature of Literature: Writing on Literary Topics when it hit me.
Yup. this is the epiphany.
I could go to my school for one more year to get my teaching license, teach while I go to grad school to get my master's in Library Science, and become a librarian as I go to school for English or Creative Writing! Is that not a serious plan or what???? I like it. I figured that I would stop studying--stop everything--and write this down: my master plan. It sounds pretty solid to me. What do you think? Be honest with me. Inquiring minds want to know. Okay, not inquiring minds, just my mind.
Labels: Calls for Response, It Really Happened, Thoughts
One More Time
What does everyone do for the end of the year? Well, I'm going to write a letter to myself.
Dear Gina,
It's the last day of the year. You were in your hometown in Mississippi. You had just finished your fourth semester at school--the classes you had were Dr. M's Faulkner/Morrison class, Dr. M's Senior Seminar, Dr. F's Spanish History class, and Ms. S's Creative Writing class. You did that play, "Spring Awakening" where you played Frau Gabor, and you froze that Thursday night, but was flawless the other performances. Funny how you could still quote the lines now that you couldn't get in your head before, huh!
You got an A, an A-, a B, and two B-'s. All were deserved--you probably should have gotten worse on the B-'s--but you made it through. You are coming to the last semester at this swanky college, and you still have your brain. You are trying to decide when you are going to take your GRE, what you want to get your Master's in (you have been mulling between English and Library Science) and you decided to become more active in voluteering when you can. You (you silly girl) decided to take a full load instead of one class and live off campus somewhere. There is so much you want to do this last semester. You are terrified about comprehensive exams--remember, you brought two boxes of books home you wanted to go through over break? How did that work out for you?--and what is next after you graduate.
You are single and really don't want to mingle. You've still got some self-esteem issues you've got to face. You still grieve for your mama, just not as badly or as often. That's really not a bad thing. One thing you have resolved to do is to push your limits, not let the lazy nemesis that you have inside do you in and make you not do the things you strive to do. You weigh 190, and you hate taking pictures, because they are not what you see in the mirror, or how you feel. But then you are feeling a little older, a little slower to get out of bed, a little stiffer in your walk, but deep down inside, you are a vibrant and happy person.
So I wrote this letter to you in hopes that you will see what you have accomplished and what you did with yourself by this day in 2008. Hopefully you will find the companion that you truly deserve in the friend that you have, and you will be able to say that the one person that has been in your life for so long will either be much closer or gone. Goodness knows this limbo thing is just stupid. I wish you the dreams that will make you happy. No more living on the edge of life. Stop letting fear inhabit the space of courage in your soul. Get smarter if not thinner.
This journey has not ended, my darling Gina. It continues every day. It is your choice to pick a lane and drive or continue to be in the rest area. The one with the bad, cheap vending machine with overpriced pops and bathrooms where you have to roll the toilet tissue off the roll because it will only allow you to pull three squares at a time. Yeah, that rest area. Get on the highway and drive!!!!
Love and yours forever and ever,
Gina
P.S. You are my number one fan and I love you. Dream big, write bigger, and find joy!
Labels: It Really Happened, New Year's Eve letter, Thoughts
It's Ending ... It's Beginning
So I will be really short on this one. The end of summer school happened three weeks ago. Tomorrow, I begin my fall semester. Last night I was stressed out beyond belief. My mind kept reeling about having only 32 hours--8 classes--to graduate. It's good news, and it's horrible news. I'm thrilled, but I'm nervous to the point of regulating the amount of food I have in my tum-tum.
Okay, not really. But I am hungry right now. Hunger's good, right? That means there is nothing just flat out laying on my stomach accumulating and spreading out on my already chunky body.
I said I was going to be short, right? I'll tell more later.
Labels: It Really Happened, Thoughts
I Just Have to Put This out There
The reason I have relationships with only a few people is because I only go to people to help me and only a few people come to me to be sociable. The others come if they need something that I only I can help with or not associate themselves with me at all. Who knows. I'll elaborate later. I'm getting in a bad mood again. I'm going to have to find a place to do some reading.
Labels: Thoughts
Life Goes On...
There are two types of people. I'm the type that sits back and waits for God to save me as the boats go by.
I've got some stuff I have to take care of and one thing that keeps running through my mind is John Cougar (you'll see why I'm using his middle name) Mellencamp's song, "Jack and Diane." Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone.
I'm a slow reader, and I have 18 books that I have to read this semester. How does anyone do it? Not only that, but I can't focus when I do read. If I can focus, I don't comprehend much. I digress. I feel like I'm complaining when I should just start reading. I am working on George Eliot's Middlemarch by listening to it on CD. I'll let you know how I accomplish all of this.
Labels: It Really Happened, Thoughts
I Don't Want to Eat Anymore ...
Yup. I can't stand food anymore. I hate the stuff. It costs money, and I'm such a codependent when it comes to food. The chewing thing is redundant. I mean bite, chew, chew, chew, swallow, chew, chew, chew, swallow, repeat, blah blah blah, yada yada yada. I'm so bored with eating. I wish there was another hole I could use to digest food. Hey! Wouldn't that be neato! Like if I could open up my belly button and chomp chomp! all gone!
Well, time for my midnight snackypoo! Yawn.
Just a Minute
I have enough time to think about posting something here. I didn't even realized that I had made it to over 300 posts! This one will be 304!
Last night in my Shakespeare class, the professor asked what was the difference in the interaction between Petruchio and Kate and Petruchio and Grumio. I told him, "boobs."
My minute's up. I've got some work to do. I may whine a little later today.
Labels: Humor, It Really Happened, Thoughts
You Can't Quote Me ...
"We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses." - C. G. Jung
"Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important." - George Eliot
"The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success, hasn't been asleep." - Wilson Mizner
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world." - Buddha
"A smile is the chosen vehicle for all ambiguities." - Herman Melville
Labels: Thoughts
It's Short Enough to Read, So Read It!
Okay. For those who don't want to read any of my long-winded blogs, this is for you.
I slept like a cat this morning. An ant bit me and swelled my hand. I should have taken a picture. It's gone down now, but I had to take five or six benadryl pills, and that made me sleep like a cat. I didn't go exercise today, but I got a lot of Spanish writing done. I'm writing down all of my Spanish rules in one place. I'll be working on my Spanish homework tomorrow.
I still love the language, but I don't see myself minoring in it unless I live abroad first.
My aunt said if I go to the family reunion in Akron, she has got a place for me to stay. If I don't get this scholarship, I will have to scrape up $1400 for school next year. Going there seems like a waste of money. Should I go?
184 words, including this. Is that short enough?
Labels: Calls for Response, Humor, It Really Happened, Thoughts
Can't We All Just Pee Along?
I'm a woman. A woman that happens to use public restrooms when necessary. Like tonight. I was at a popular restaurant for several hours. I have this thing where I will go to a place to study because I tend to not do it in my room. I was going to a Japanese place, but it was closed, so I went to the Waffle House. I hate going to this particular Waffle House during the time of day I was going because the people there have no sense of cleanliness. I had a feeling that I was going to actually want something to eat, and I did not want that heffa fixing my food, so I drove around and ended up at this kind of restaurant that serves good versions of basic American food--burgers, steaks, catfish ... stuff like that.
I felt like I could get some coffee in a coffee cup since they have busboys that clean the dishes (as opposed to the servers having to serve and wash dishes like at the Waffle House). After several cups of coffee (and yes, I'm finally getting to the point, but come on ... you know me, I wander sometimes) I needed to go pee. I found the ladies' room which had four stalls. I went into one and, heavens to mergatroid and thank the bathroom gods (because I really had to pee), the toilet seat was not peed on and there was an ample amount of toilet tissue for my back forty and other place (no need for too many details--it is [supposedly] a family blog). I did my business (okay, you don't really want to know how I pee, and if you do, then you need to stop reading my blog, you big freak! Okay, not you Dutch Bitch, but anyone else that is entertaining the thought [okay, Renee, not you either] and I mean stop now ... eewww!) flushed, checked that everything went down the hole, washed my hands, took the paper towel that I dried my hands with, opened the door, and returned to my life at the table.
A few hours--and a few more cups of coffee--later, I returned to the ladies' room. The stall with which I became familiar was available. I opened and the bathroom gods switched off their "on duty" sign, because, though the toilet was flushed and ready for seating, there was no more toilet tissue!
Needless to say, I gasped.
I checked the first stall. I will be polite and simply say that it was unflushed.
Gasp.
I checked the last remaining non-handicapped stall. I will simply say that someone missed their aim and felt it necessary to inform everyone else of their bad target practice.
MENTALLY SCREAMING.
So, can't we just all pee along, ladies? Can we not aim and fire in the hole, and if we cannot, can we take care of cleaning up behind ourselves? I mean if you women can clean up behind your babies, you can at least do it for yourself. I'm not asking for much. I don't need to see your leftover pee on the toilet. I don't. Nobody else does. (And if you do, you need to stop reading my blog, you sick freak!) (Okay, not you, Dutch Bitch. And not you, either, Renee.)
Labels: Calls for Response, Humor, It Really Happened, My Opinion, Screaming, Thoughts
Well... You Know
I've been in the room since last night. I am going to take a shower and force myself to leave the room. I don't want to go, because I don't want to see what watching five hours of "Top Chef" cost me. I have a test tomorrow and I am so pissed off at myself. That's another story.
Friday, I had an interview, but since I now realize that I am procrastinating, I am going to cut this short an tell you about it another time.
Labels: The Negatives, Thoughts
You Know I Love You, Right?
... And I do love you! Just checking in with you. I've been busy doing things that have been as productive as running in mud. I have to study my Spanish, but I'm here. Procrastinating my butt off. I deserved to get spanked, but I'm about to hit it right now. I just got back from seeing "Premonition" and it was worth seeing again, something I rarely do. I'm still procrastinating, but I'm thinking in the back of my mind some of the terms I need to know: el negocio is a business, la accionista is a shareholder, la carpeta is a folder, desempenar is to complete a task, el mundo is the world and I'm in a world of trouble for not studying my Spanish right now!
Kay, buh bye.
Labels: It Really Happened, Thoughts
Feeling Flowery
It's obvious that one day I did nothing but take pictures of azaleas. I'm glad I did. Some are so beautiful to me. It makes me believe in myself. So, you might just get a bunch of pictures like this. I don't feel like going into the negatives about it--I'm still trying to get over it emotionally. Pretty good quote that came up. I'm unsettled, and I don't know what to do about it.
Labels: The Negatives, Thoughts