What Is It???
Monday, September 15, 2008
"Happiness is a form of courage." - Holbrook Jackson
What is it that's been going on in my head lately? Well, besides missing you terribly, not much.
I keep thinking about how I've been traveling, day by day, rather aimlessly. Since I've been in St. Louis, I've been wandering a great deal. One thing I have noticed is that--hold up. I am in a library doing this. Would you believe that a gun-toting sherriff is leisurely strolling around with nary a care! Geez! What's he gonna do with that thing here! It's not like there is a bank vault in here or something! What is he going to arrest people in here for, overdue books?!!!! Sorry, that was just really startling. Where was I? Oh yeah. I've noticed that I've been pushing away people. I know why I do it. The reason why I do that is because of the reason two guys that "wanted to get to know me better" are no longer two guys that I'm in consistent dialogue with. Drives me crazy. I don't know what's wrong with me, but then sometimes I do. I'm just very screwed up (so not the words I want to use) in the head. I don't want people to get close to me just to prove to me that they don't want to get close to me. It's happened so many times in my life--people practically walking away from me once they have one or two conversations with me--that I don't want to go through the pain of trying. I guess that is why I am also very--extreeeeeeeemely--reluctant to apply for a job, engage in relationships--anything. It's painfully better for me to not even be around people simply to prove my hypothesis repeatedly. I wish I could go back to every person I know, drop off a survey that would ask, "Why did you not want to have anything else to do with me after barely knowing me?" and ask that they results be tabulated, graphed, and all that stuff so I can be analyzed and figure out what the heck (yup, you're right--don't want to use that word) is going on with me and my people skills. I don't think it is something I can change. I'm too old for it. I'm also too old for anyone to teach me how to change this. I want to love and be loved, but how can I do that if I can't even convince a man to want to do more with me than see me horizontal. Geez, (another deferring word) I don't want do see myself horizontal. Why do I attract that? What can I do to avoid that? What the Sam Hill (another one) am I doing wrong? Don't say, "it's not you, Gina, honest," because it is. I know it has to do with my limited knowledge. Yes, I'm intelligent on some levels, but I don't have faith in myself, can't believe in myself. Maybe I should start something else again. I don't want to say what, and by the time I actually read that sentence again, I may myself forget what I was referring to, but I know now, and sometimes now is all that matters.
Just had to put that out there. Now, back to having empty hopes in myself. I'll be better soon. I have to convince myself to believe, then eventually I will get to believing without thinking that the thoughts are empty. Later.
What is it that's been going on in my head lately? Well, besides missing you terribly, not much.
I keep thinking about how I've been traveling, day by day, rather aimlessly. Since I've been in St. Louis, I've been wandering a great deal. One thing I have noticed is that--hold up. I am in a library doing this. Would you believe that a gun-toting sherriff is leisurely strolling around with nary a care! Geez! What's he gonna do with that thing here! It's not like there is a bank vault in here or something! What is he going to arrest people in here for, overdue books?!!!! Sorry, that was just really startling. Where was I? Oh yeah. I've noticed that I've been pushing away people. I know why I do it. The reason why I do that is because of the reason two guys that "wanted to get to know me better" are no longer two guys that I'm in consistent dialogue with. Drives me crazy. I don't know what's wrong with me, but then sometimes I do. I'm just very screwed up (so not the words I want to use) in the head. I don't want people to get close to me just to prove to me that they don't want to get close to me. It's happened so many times in my life--people practically walking away from me once they have one or two conversations with me--that I don't want to go through the pain of trying. I guess that is why I am also very--extreeeeeeeemely--reluctant to apply for a job, engage in relationships--anything. It's painfully better for me to not even be around people simply to prove my hypothesis repeatedly. I wish I could go back to every person I know, drop off a survey that would ask, "Why did you not want to have anything else to do with me after barely knowing me?" and ask that they results be tabulated, graphed, and all that stuff so I can be analyzed and figure out what the heck (yup, you're right--don't want to use that word) is going on with me and my people skills. I don't think it is something I can change. I'm too old for it. I'm also too old for anyone to teach me how to change this. I want to love and be loved, but how can I do that if I can't even convince a man to want to do more with me than see me horizontal. Geez, (another deferring word) I don't want do see myself horizontal. Why do I attract that? What can I do to avoid that? What the Sam Hill (another one) am I doing wrong? Don't say, "it's not you, Gina, honest," because it is. I know it has to do with my limited knowledge. Yes, I'm intelligent on some levels, but I don't have faith in myself, can't believe in myself. Maybe I should start something else again. I don't want to say what, and by the time I actually read that sentence again, I may myself forget what I was referring to, but I know now, and sometimes now is all that matters.
Just had to put that out there. Now, back to having empty hopes in myself. I'll be better soon. I have to convince myself to believe, then eventually I will get to believing without thinking that the thoughts are empty. Later.
Labels: It Really Happened, The Negatives
Thursday, September 04, 2008
"Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense and the past perfect." - The United Church Observer
I am in St. Louis. I've been dealing with working for my father's business, trying to find a job of my own--not hard enough to care apparently--and living.
Today, I just wanted to stop by since I am at a computer. I am doing okay. I still grieve for my father--funny how that works, not funny "ha-ha" either--and my mother. How do people do it. I'm stunned about it myself. We do what we have to do though, don't we.
Let me tell you about this book I am reading. It's called The Secret. You have to get it if you want your life to be better in any way. It's worth trying!
Okay, I'm going to work on coming back here more often. I haven't written a word in such a long time, not a good thing.
Yes, I still love you. I hope you feel the same for me.
I am in St. Louis. I've been dealing with working for my father's business, trying to find a job of my own--not hard enough to care apparently--and living.
Today, I just wanted to stop by since I am at a computer. I am doing okay. I still grieve for my father--funny how that works, not funny "ha-ha" either--and my mother. How do people do it. I'm stunned about it myself. We do what we have to do though, don't we.
Let me tell you about this book I am reading. It's called The Secret. You have to get it if you want your life to be better in any way. It's worth trying!
Okay, I'm going to work on coming back here more often. I haven't written a word in such a long time, not a good thing.
Yes, I still love you. I hope you feel the same for me.
Labels: It Really Happened