Wide Awake Sleeping
Well, I said that I would start writing. With so many things swirling in my head, I'm never sure what to say. Most of it makes no sense.
Yesterday I read This Year You Write Your Novel by Walter Mosely. It's a really good book for those who want to know more about elements of books that make books enjoyable to read. I read the 103-page book in a few hours--a record for me. I even jotted down some notes. I'm going to put a paragraph of what someone inspired me to write down here. Let me know what you think:
Uncle Pleak was not the nickname that she’d hoped for. At birth, her eyes were as big as silver dollars, as shiny as new ones. They somehow looked as if generations of secrets were sealed inside. The compliment was lost on her. The thought of looking like a man—let alone the fact that she couldn’t gain a pound of weight carrying a croaker sack of potatoes—just plain made her mad. With the other girls around her getting attention from the boys, Pleak got nothing from them but laughs and questions about other girls. Everyone took Pleak as one of the boys and she never thought things would change.
Labels: Calls for Response, Prose
Gina's Been Depressed. Please Leave a Message after the Tone...
So, over the last few weeks, I've been morbidly depressed. I've missed completing work in all of my classes, cried in my classes, stayed in my bed for days at a time, not sleep for more than five hours at a time, even suicidal thoughts.
That's the truth, and I'm sticking to it. SCREAMING!!!!!!
I'm dealing with the reasons why I've been behaving this way. For the most part, it's fear. I almost want to personalize it by capitalizing it. Fear and hopelessness has been hovering over me like an umbrella that's raining from under it. I've got stuff that I have to clear out of my head, but when a person deals with believing what others say since your childhood, those thoughts become voiceless--not being able to acknowledge that someone else has been telling me this crap instead of hearing it from my own voice.
Now, I have to ask of a huge favor. If you see my blog, please leave a note. Part of the reason I don't post often is because I really don't think anyone's been reading it. I don't need a pity party or a praising "you'll get through this" message. Just say, "hi." I need inspiration. You are that inspiration for me. I have had many thoughts to write about, but if I write without anyone telling me that they read it, then it's like not knowing if the husband takes out the garbage in the forest.
I'll try to do better. And to that one person who asked me, "now you know."
I still love all five of you.
Labels: Calls for Response, It Really Happened, Screaming, The Negatives
Ten Things This Tuesday
So, two days away from my 24th birthday...okay, okay! So what if the numbers are backwards! I only look a little older than that! Mwahahahahahahahaha! So what will my TTTT be about? Hmmm... I got it!
Ten things I'm thinking about now that I can no longer ignore that I'm actually a forty-something cougar without the cougar body.
1. Eight years until fifty.
2. Eighteen years from sixty.
3. Twenty-one years from the age my mama passed away.
4. I'm going to have a Bachelor's degree in 115 days.
5. Seventeen Saturdays from graduation.
6. Seventeen Mondays from being out of school and unemployed if I don't get a gig shaking and baking!
7. Oh my good googly woogly! Seventeen Saturdays! That's seventeen Thursdays! One hundred fifteen tomorrows!
8. Why is my heart racing?
9. Because I'm going to be sick.
10. Nope! Because I'm going to get my dream in 115 days!
Labels: Calls for Response, Feel Goods, It Really Happened, Ten Things This Tuesday, Thoughts
I Had an Epiphany
"Every Communist must grasp the truth: 'Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun'." - Mao Tse-Tung
So, this is what I did tonight. I procrastinated by calling a few people. They must have seen my number on the Caller ID and decided to not pick up. You're probably laughing, but with my St. Louis area code, it threw off the last person I called. After confirming that I was speaking with her, she said, "What are you doing in St. Louis?" I told her that I had always had this phone number. Can you believe she said (like so many other people after I don't talk to them in a while) that she did not know where I was. Now I know that she knew. Then she said that my cousin had called and that she called. I told her that I spoke with my cousin. Would you believe it? I swear I'm going to write this in a book whenever I do, definitely in a short story. This woman said that the cousin told her that she hadn't heard from me.
"Well, I guess I'm lying." Geez!
"No, no. I didn't say that you were lying. I'm just telling you what she said. Don't put words in my mouth." Come on. I told her that I did talk to her, and she so much as said that I didn't because she said that I didn't. Good grief.
Digressing.
I got off the phone, read this book (Oh, if any of the five of you who are reading this happens to want to read a book on Black history, and how some of the mentality of white racists came about, you have got to pick up White over Black: American Attitudes of the Negro from 1550-1812. Very interesting book) that I am having in a class of mine next semester for nearly 90 minutes. I had to go to the bathroom (yup, don't we all do that? Saying that doesn't make me a bad person, does it?), picked up this book called The Nature of Literature: Writing on Literary Topics when it hit me.
Yup. this is the epiphany.
I could go to my school for one more year to get my teaching license, teach while I go to grad school to get my master's in Library Science, and become a librarian as I go to school for English or Creative Writing! Is that not a serious plan or what???? I like it. I figured that I would stop studying--stop everything--and write this down: my master plan. It sounds pretty solid to me. What do you think? Be honest with me. Inquiring minds want to know. Okay, not inquiring minds, just my mind.
Labels: Calls for Response, It Really Happened, Thoughts
Have You Heard This?
"I have impeached myself by resigning." - Richard Nixon
Birth Control Allowed at Maine Middle School
PORTLAND, Me., Oct. 17 — The Portland school board on Wednesday approved a measure allowing middle-school students to gain access to prescription birth control medications without notifying parents.
The proposal, from the Portland Division of Public Health, calls for the independently operated health care center at King Middle School to provide a variety of services to students, including immunizations and physical checkups in addition to birth-control medications and counseling for sexually transmitted diseases, said Lisa Belanger, an administrator for Portland’s student health centers.
All but two members of the 12-person committee voted to approve the plan.
The school principal, Mike McCarthy, said about 5 of the school’s 500 students had identified themselves as being sexually active.
Health care professionals at the clinic advised the committee that the proposal was necessary in order for the clinic to serve students who were engaging in risky behavior.
The conference room at the Wednesday night meeting was packed with parents, students and television cameras as school board committee members discussed the issue and heard testimony from experts and residents.
“It has been shown, over and over again, that this does not increase sexual activity,” said Pat Patterson, the medical director of School-Based Health Centers.
Reaction was mixed.
“This is really a violation of parents’ rights,” Peter Doyle, a Portland resident, told the committee. “If there were a constitutional challenge, you guys would be at risk of a lawsuit.”
Others argued for approval.
“Not every child is getting the guidance needed to keep them safe,” said Richard Veilleux, who said his child attends King Middle School. “This is about giving kids who are sexually active the tools that they need.”
According to the National Assembly on School-Based Health Care, about 30 percent of the 1,700 school-based health centers in the United States provide birth control to students, Dr. Patterson said.
I think they are either taking the easy way out or being outright lazy. I'm concerned about two things. One, why are schools not considering teaching sex education at the school? It ranks up there with giving children condoms. It implies permission. Secondly, have we lost so much faith that children can't be taught the downside of having premature sex?
Labels: Calls for Response, My Opinion
Daily OM Dose of Thought
I had to put up this one. I hope this inspires you like it did me. Let me know if it does.
Stronger Than You Know
Getting Ourselves Worked Up
Our capacity to cope successfully with life's challenges far outstrips our capacity to feel nervousness. Yet in the weeks, days, and hours leading up to an event that we believe will test our limits, we can become nervous. While we may have previously regarded ourselves as equal to the trials that lie ahead, we reach a point at which they near and our anxiety begins to mount. We then become increasingly worked up, until the moment of truth arrives and we discover that our worry was all for nothing. We are almost always stronger and more capable than we believe ourselves to be. But anxiety is not rational in nature, which means that in most cases we cannot work through it using logic as our only tool. Reason can help us recognize the relative futility of unwarranted worry but, more often than not, we will find more comfort in patterns of thought and activity that redirect our attention to practical or engaging matters.
Most of us find it remarkably difficult to focus on two distinct thoughts or emotions at once, and we can use this natural human limitation to our advantage when trying to stay centered in the period leading up to a potentially tricky experience. When we concentrate on something unrelated to our worry, such as deep breathing, visualizations of success, pleasurable pursuits, or exercise, anxiety dissipates naturally. Meditation is also a useful coping mechanism as it provides us with a means to ground ourselves in the moment. Our guides can aid us by providing us with a focal point wholly outside of our own sphere.
The intense emotional flare-up you experience just before you are set to challenge yourself is often a mixture of both excitement and fear. When you take steps to eliminate the fear, you can more fully enjoy the excitement. Though you may find it difficult to avoid getting worked up, your awareness of the forces acting on your feelings will help you return to your center and accept that few hurdles you will face will be as high as they at first appear.
Labels: Calls for Response, Daily OM
Well, I've DNA'd It
Well, I've done it. Check out what it says about me ...
You are an Experiencer
Although you have an active imagination, you also concern yourself with the functional elements of things. You are willing to experiment to find things that work the most efficiently. Getting stuck in certain habits is boring to you—you'd rather find new experiences. Accordingly, experiences are more important to you than objects—you'd rather spend your money and energy on events and adventures than on material things. You like to contemplate a lot of options before making a decision, and you're willing and able to consider a lot of different angles to problems. You're open to suggestions, and often rely on others to assess the merit of those suggestions. You have an ability to see the big picture—not just how things are, but how they could be—in a variety of situations. You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well. You tend to do things on the spur of the moment, not sticking to a set schedule. You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style. You tend to believe that things happen for a reason, and that not everything is under our control.If you want to be different:
Have faith that your imagination and practicality will complement each other, and lead to good decisions on your part. Take the initiative in seeking things out—don't wait for them to come to you.You are Advocating
Being social, empathic, and understanding makes you ADVOCATING. Some people find being around others exhausting—but not you! You are energized by spending time with friends, and you are good at meeting new people. One of the reasons you enjoy conversation as much as you do is that you often learn about yourself while talking things out with a friend; you realize things about your own beliefs while discussing them with others. You have insight into what others are thinking and feeling. This ability allows you to be happy for others, and to commiserate when something has gone wrong for them. You are highly compassionate, and being conscious of how things affect those close to you leaves you cautious about trusting others too hastily. Despite these reservations, you are open-minded when it comes to your worldview; you don't look to impose your ways on others. Your sensitivity towards others' plights contributes to an understanding—both intellectual and emotional—of many different perspectives.If you want to be different:
While it's important to think about others, don't forget to take some time for yourself, and occasionally to put yourself first. Take some time to spend with a few close friends; although it's difficult to find people to trust, it's worth the effort. When you have great ideas, it can be hard to relinquish control, but it can also feel good to take the pressure off and enjoy someone else leading the way.
Labels: Calls for Response, It Really Happened
It's Short Enough to Read, So Read It!
Okay. For those who don't want to read any of my long-winded blogs, this is for you.
I slept like a cat this morning. An ant bit me and swelled my hand. I should have taken a picture. It's gone down now, but I had to take five or six benadryl pills, and that made me sleep like a cat. I didn't go exercise today, but I got a lot of Spanish writing done. I'm writing down all of my Spanish rules in one place. I'll be working on my Spanish homework tomorrow.
I still love the language, but I don't see myself minoring in it unless I live abroad first.
My aunt said if I go to the family reunion in Akron, she has got a place for me to stay. If I don't get this scholarship, I will have to scrape up $1400 for school next year. Going there seems like a waste of money. Should I go?
184 words, including this. Is that short enough?
Labels: Calls for Response, Humor, It Really Happened, Thoughts
Can't We All Just Pee Along?
I'm a woman. A woman that happens to use public restrooms when necessary. Like tonight. I was at a popular restaurant for several hours. I have this thing where I will go to a place to study because I tend to not do it in my room. I was going to a Japanese place, but it was closed, so I went to the Waffle House. I hate going to this particular Waffle House during the time of day I was going because the people there have no sense of cleanliness. I had a feeling that I was going to actually want something to eat, and I did not want that heffa fixing my food, so I drove around and ended up at this kind of restaurant that serves good versions of basic American food--burgers, steaks, catfish ... stuff like that.
I felt like I could get some coffee in a coffee cup since they have busboys that clean the dishes (as opposed to the servers having to serve and wash dishes like at the Waffle House). After several cups of coffee (and yes, I'm finally getting to the point, but come on ... you know me, I wander sometimes) I needed to go pee. I found the ladies' room which had four stalls. I went into one and, heavens to mergatroid and thank the bathroom gods (because I really had to pee), the toilet seat was not peed on and there was an ample amount of toilet tissue for my back forty and other place (no need for too many details--it is [supposedly] a family blog). I did my business (okay, you don't really want to know how I pee, and if you do, then you need to stop reading my blog, you big freak! Okay, not you Dutch Bitch, but anyone else that is entertaining the thought [okay, Renee, not you either] and I mean stop now ... eewww!) flushed, checked that everything went down the hole, washed my hands, took the paper towel that I dried my hands with, opened the door, and returned to my life at the table.
A few hours--and a few more cups of coffee--later, I returned to the ladies' room. The stall with which I became familiar was available. I opened and the bathroom gods switched off their "on duty" sign, because, though the toilet was flushed and ready for seating, there was no more toilet tissue!
Needless to say, I gasped.
I checked the first stall. I will be polite and simply say that it was unflushed.
Gasp.
I checked the last remaining non-handicapped stall. I will simply say that someone missed their aim and felt it necessary to inform everyone else of their bad target practice.
MENTALLY SCREAMING.
So, can't we just all pee along, ladies? Can we not aim and fire in the hole, and if we cannot, can we take care of cleaning up behind ourselves? I mean if you women can clean up behind your babies, you can at least do it for yourself. I'm not asking for much. I don't need to see your leftover pee on the toilet. I don't. Nobody else does. (And if you do, you need to stop reading my blog, you sick freak!) (Okay, not you, Dutch Bitch. And not you, either, Renee.)
Labels: Calls for Response, Humor, It Really Happened, My Opinion, Screaming, Thoughts
My 250th Post and It's about What?
Liars. This post is about liars.
Why am I awake at this hour? I'm mad. I'm angry. No. Really angry.
So, I have a friend that I've talked to on and off for a few years now. I liked him. I really liked him. He and I had a good "relationship" such as it was. It protected me from acquiring a real life relationship and it also helped me to avoid knowing that any man worth having that saw me would consider having a relationship with me. I'd say, "Nope, I'm kind of in the middle of something," or say to myself, "I don't have to worry about any man trying to have a relationship with me because they don't find me attractive and, anyway, I'm in a 'kind of middle of something' kind of thing."
I'm not making much sense, I know, but consider the time that I made this post. Who would?
I digress.
This friend of mine, I'll call him Drew, just told me something about himself that made me question everything that he said. He told the truth about something he'd been lying about for years--I mean ever since I knew him. I mean we've been friends, we've had emotional ties to each other, we've gone as far as said the "L" word to each other, it's been like that.
This thing that Drew told me, though, has pissed me off. You know how people lie about small things here and there? Well, that's the kind of person he is, but since he and I were so far away from each other, it didn't--heck, it doesn't--matter. I haven't been an angel, either. I've lied to him a few times, but my lies and his lies are like stacking a piece of paper against a tree. (Hey, that's a pretty good one! I'll have to remember that!)
Tonight, he called me about 2:20am and we got into this conversation which--and why was I trying to hold this back for, I don't know--I told him exactly how I felt. I told Drew that I didn't know what made me angrier, his five-year-old lie or that he's been lying for about four years.
The one thing about liars? It hit me like a ton of bricks--liars are empowered when they lie and weaken the people they lie to. They empower themselves by knowing that the truth is something they know, but the lied-to person does not know. It gives them a one-upper, if you will. I feel manipulated and weakened and I am mad as dirt about it.
So right now, I am awake. Awake enough to consider taking a walk in the middle of the night. If it were a little warmer, I would not be posting this. Goodness knows I need to be walking or reading or something besides typing. I know how I will fix this anger-crusted insomnia.
The Merchant of Venice. Good night.
Labels: Calls for Response, My Opinion, The Negatives, Thoughts
That's It. I'm Checking Out.
Check that out. This quote is the first thing that came up and ironically, not only do I have to talk about an expression, but I also have to talk about something that Lou Reed (if I'm not mistaken) said.
So I have this conversation with my dad. Yup. Him. Friday night he calls me around midnight and basically tells me about a Spanish phrase called the moment of truth. I tell him the literal Spanish translation, el momento de verdad, and he tells me, "well, I don't know..." I tell him that I'm taking Spanish and that is the Spanish phrase for it.
Let's take a moment, shall we.
I'm beginning to think different things about how my father sees me. One is that he looks at me and sees my mom. (Take a close look at that first pic of my parents--in one way I do look like my mom, in another way, I do look like my father.) I think that he sees what he did not like in my mother. I also believe that he does not like me. I can remember a time in my life when I was quite sure that people did not like me. I feel that now sometimes. I'm a surface person, though. I do have a brain, but I'm not very approachable in an intimate manner (and I think I have an idea why, but that'll have to wait for another therapy session). I don't think that my father had very much faith in my mother. She was smart and did not believe in herself (yeah, yeah, yeah... you don't have to think it, I know that it sounds like I feel the same way about myself). (I do.) My father did not believe in her, either. I now think that he feels that way about me. So that is why I heard doubt after I told him the phrase in Spanish.
And it made me question myself.
So this morning, in an effort to put off reading for my Brit Lit exam I called my father and tell him the correct phrasing. Then he connects these two phrases--"the moment of truth" and "take a walk on the wild side"--as the same thing.
I had to ask someone else just to be sure, but double dad gum it (you know that is all of the cursing I can do, but you know what I want to say...) they don't mean the same thing! I don't know what to do about it.
About him. I'm not nuts. I'm not. I swear I'm not.
Good grief. I'm going to do my best to not be bothered. I've got too much crap to get done and not enough time to do it.
I'm checking out. Well, I'm escorting my father to my mental door, putting him out, and changing the lock on the door. at least for as long as I can stand to do it.
Labels: Calls for Response, The Negatives, Thoughts
Oh Yeah, I Almost Forgot...
In case anyone happens to hit me up for Click and Comments Monday, please comment often. I really am working out for every comment. In fact, I've decided to do two minutes (one morning and one evening) for every comment that pops up.
If you saw the thighs I saw, you would do the same thing and beg people to hold me to lots of minutes.
Trust me.
Ugh.
Labels: Calls for Response, Humor
Why? Can somebody tell me why?
So last night I've been talking to a relative of mine. She told me that my voicemail was insulting. I asked her why it was so insulting, and she pretty much said that it just was, then added, "Some people don't even know what 'ambiguous' is!" After asking yet again what was so insulting about this message to her, she said, "If you don't know what's insulting about your message then I'm not going to tell you." She also mentioned that people will leave whatever messager that they are going to leave (I know, so they should not expect a call from me if I don't understand it), think that "this b%&^*$ is crazy" or some other abstract reason. She did also mention that people will shoot me for a messge like this.
Am I nuts?
Want to know what the message says? "I'm sorry we're not able to come to the phone at this time. Please leave your name and number and we will contact you as soon as possible. Ambiguous and incomplete messages will be discarded and ignored. Thank you." I am speaking in a perky, but professional, tone.
I have this message because there are actually people who call and either do not leave a message or tell me to call back at a certain number. I'm not calling you back if you cannot tell me who you are. It's that simple. I am so mad at her for thinking that she should be offended about my message. This is an older woman and she has told me this three other times. She made me so mad last night about it that I could barely sleep. If this person could just say something that relates to the message itself instead of sounding like she is trying to control everything that does not please her, I would be much more comfortable about considering changing the message. Heck, it's not like a great deal of her advice has ever been to my betterment.
Okay, I'm officially frustrated. Tell me I'm not nuts, people, and we can all move along with our lives.
Labels: Calls for Response, Thoughts
Wha Cha Doin'?
"So long as man remains free he strives for nothing so incessantly and so painfully as to find something to worship...[W]hat is essential is that all may be together in it. The craving for community worship is the chief misery of...all humanity. For the sake of common worship they've slain each other with the sword." - Feodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky
So what were you doing Saturday night? I ask because I know nobody will see this now. On my Saturday night, I did not much. In fact, save four people, I led a secluded day. Yesterday I braided this guy's hair, but today... nothing.
I was supposed to go home, drive there, but I procrastinated. I know that I'm procrastinating right now. I'll be too tired in the morning to go straight to hopping into the car and zipping to my hometown to be at church. I'm going to try, though.
So today I had a lot of crap on my mind. I washed clothes and my bed stuff to prepare to straighten my room before my trip. (have you ever gone away and had to come back to your residence to find that not only did you have to unpack from the trip, but you had to clean up what you left behind and what you brought with you? I hate doing it.) While I was washing clothes, I was working in my Spanish workbook, work I hadn't done throughout the semester because it was taking me hours to do my Spanish homework in the first place. I'm trying to figure out what the heck happened to all of the stuff I had in my head. Where did it go to? I do understand how people can forget the language they were forced to learn.
Well, now is the time that I'm hoping that you are reading. Anybody got any sites I can go to where I can listen to Spanish?
I'm not looking forward to going home. I don't want to realize what I was before I came here. I think that is the reason. I feel like I've left things undone there. There is so much work to do in that house. It's been over two years since I've inherited that house, yet all of the stuff that is in there represents three generations of stuff. I'll be leaving tomorrow though. I won't be back in my dorm room for a week. I may be able to go to the library in my hometown, who knows. Anyway, before I sound any more melancholy, I'm going to post a poem I came up with and then I'll see you when I see you!
Labels: Calls for Response, Thoughts